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Girls Will Be Girls

March 20, 2018 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

My friend, Julie, told me a story of when she was just 18 and married less than a year.

Julie was working in a dentist’s office – the dentist was in his 50’s, rotund and jovial. Julie herself is quite a jokester, and they bantered back and forth daily as they worked. One day Mr. Dentist told Julie he was in need of some physical satisfaction because his wife was not interested in him that way anymore. So, he had what he considered to be a great deal: If Julie would be willing to help him out in this minor way she would receive a beautiful new car as a gift, signifying his deep appreciation.

Now that could be quite a tempting deal for a teenager. Lay down for a while each week with this fun-loving guy and receive a new car. Sounds like it could be a win-win situation.

Women have historically been used and abused by men. They have been considered a commodity to be consumed instead of a human being to be valued and cherished.

In all the high and low-profile cases we have read surrounding the #metoo (I hear that some are wearying of the reports) women have been coerced to give their bodies to someone who promises a job, a role, a promotion, a new car or a future permanent relationship. I’m sure the temptations are fierce, the promises sound solid and the decisions difficult.

But we always need to remember that we have choices,

a choice to say no

a choice to say yes

a choice to leave

a choice to value our bodies, knowing they are sacred – a gift given to us by God.

The nakedness of sex is far more than physical. It involves every area of our life – our emotions, our spirit and our intellect. The effects of physical interaction with another have long-lasting significance because they affect the deepest part of our persons.

When a man asks for such favors without a lifetime commitment, it’s obvious he is putting his own desires and agenda above all else. He’s thinking about himself and the pleasure he seeks. There is a reason God’s original creation of sex is meant to be within marriage, between a man and a woman for a lifetime. And – as in all the commands He gives – it’s because he loves us and wants the best for us. He wants us to avoid heartache, betrayal, regret and guilt. Instead we are sometimes tempted to think:

I can’t trust the heart of God, I need to take control myself

I need to arrange for my own happiness

I don’t like God’s story for me, I want to rewrite the story my way

Our society is proficient in beguiling us to believe that now is the most important time. We are encouraged not to think about the future (think of those tempting credit cards in your wallet) or the past – keeping busy and distracted every moment of every day.

We are not at all encouraged to consider the outcome of our choices. A new car certainly sounds exciting and wonderful, but there is a price to pay. Whenever we give our bodies to others we are forever connected to them in our memories.

When Julie was offered the new car in exchange for Mr. Dentist’s gratification, she immediately said No. She had not grown up in an ideal home – her mother had died when Julie was only twelve, and because of that trauma her dad turned to alcohol for comfort, neglecting and abusing the children left behind. Yet because her mother had taught her right from wrong before she died, Julie knew that what Mr. Dentist asked for was wrong. She had made a promise to say yes to her husband, which meant saying no to all other men.

Now I understand sexual assault is in a completely different category from Mr. Dentist’s request, and that some women are not given a choice, but when we are….may we choose wisely.

Sadly the next young woman, who was hired after Julie left the dentist office, was driving a new car shortly after her employment began.

There is an old Spanish proverb:

He who loves one woman has loved them all.

He who loves many has loved none.

I pray that we and your daughters will know and always remember that our bodies have intrinsic value which God has bestowed upon us, knowing we are fearfully and wonderfully made – choosing to use our bodies to honor him.

Love, Mom

Strong Words

March 6, 2018 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Daystar school in Chicago teaches the danger of using Strong Words.

One day at dinner in that same city I said, I hate jiggly fat on meat, when Allison promptly told me:

Hate is a strong word.

I was surprised and taken aback with her response, but I reluctantly agreed, then re-worded my sentence. Ok, I really dislike jiggly fat on meat.

I asked what other words were considered strong at their school. The answer:

Always

Never

Later in bed that night I got thinking about strong words. Many time I have used those words myself. In times of anger I and others around me have said things like:

I hate grocery shopping

Do you always have to be so annoying?

We never do what I want to do

You never seem to care about me

I will never trust you again

I hate it when she does that

My life will never change

Since then I have become more aware of my words – not that I have become pristine in my language, but I am working at improvement. Words like hate, always and never are quite final, absolute, with no exceptions allowed. They can harm others and are often said with irritation and annoyance when emotions run high.

Then a few years ago as I was reading the Bible I noticed a lot of strong words:

Always

All

Everything

Never

…and those words are scattered in many different verses. The difference though is that they are usually positive words and used as all-inclusive commands and/or promises. I’ll list a few of my favorites:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Now if we really believed those words we would have no worry, no stress, no fear. I, for one, tend to have amnesia when it comes to remembering that fact. There are times I doubt those words, which obviously brings on stress and fear.

And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age. (Matthew 28:10)

Do you ever feel forgotten by God? Somedays I feel like He is not at all with me, I feel lonely and overlooked, but again I must remind myself that this is only a feeling. The truth is that He is with me always, whether I feel like it or not.

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,

Never will I leave you;

Never will I forsake you. (Hebrews 13:5)

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

Now those are strong beautiful words, words I can count on, believe in – and as an extra benefit, they bring peace into my life.

All those verses remind me about the character of God, the truth of who He is. Some days I may not feel or remember these things to be true, but I know they are and they bring me great comfort.

Now because Jesus is who He says He is, and if we have invited Him into our life, he also has some strong words for us.

Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Ephesians 5:19

As I have known for years, giving thanks and singing is not an option if I want to live a life pleasing to God and joyful for me. Even though I know it in my head, my heart doesn’t always feel like singing or giving thanks. But when I do, I notice that hope is renewed, trust is strengthened and I experience calm and serenity which previously had eluded me.

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. (Colossians 4:6)

Now I love it when God promises that he is always with me, and never will leave. But when he tells me to have conversations that are always filled with grace – I find it rather difficult. How easy it is to let words that are judgmental, harsh and derogatory fly from my lips. Why do we find it much more pleasant to listen to the promises of God’s faithfulness, but do not so much appreciate the fact that He expects certain ways of life from us?

In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content… Philippians 4:12

All circumstances?? Now that’s definitely a challenge. It’s easy to be content when life is good, the sun is shining, the household is peaceful and others are agreeable with me. But when politicians say and do things that offend me, when I’m unable to help Grandpa with his pain, when Dad and I don’t agree, when the muffler starts making embarrassing loud rumbles, when my body doesn’t do what I want it to do, when my computer doesn’t work properly, when there’s a mouse in the house – it’s more difficult to be content.

But there are also the follow up words,

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

I find it interesting that this is the very next verse after learning to be content in all circumstances. It sounds so simple and logical, yet as we all know is difficult in practice. First of all to be content, then learning that I absolutely can do that because Christ gives me the strength to do it.

Enjoy all these strong words about God and his everlasting promises, but at the same time know that He is always there to help us live out the strong words He commands for us.

There is hope and help for us all. I will continue to use strong words yet strive to use them at the right time and in the right place, and for something more important than jiggly meat fat.

Love, Mom

Heart Control

February 20, 2018 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Why is the news of yet another mass shooting at a school not surprising anymore? I, maybe you as well, have grown so accustomed to hearing about violent, senseless shootings, that we have become apathetic as we listen and read some details, then walk away and continue our day.

I have been pondering the hopelessness, anger, rage, hurt and fury that must be consuming a man’s mind as he plans, purchases, and devises all the evil he desires to carry out on unsuspecting victims, those in his opinion who are deserving of death.

Millions of children are being taught in American schools that they as humans are simply a collection of random mutations having occurred over an unspecified number of years. They are educated year after year that they have no real reason or purpose, but only that they have arrived on this earth as a result of time plus matter plus chance. We are little more than beasts of the jungle – the theory of evolution tells us – so is it really surprising that people do what they do?

The disintegration of the nuclear family, loneliness, separation, divorce and fracturing human relationships all add up to violence in society. God created us to belong, to love, to live in community with one another. When that is lost, every evil behavior surfaces.

And then there is the blame and fingers pointing all around:

It’s the fault of the FBI

The lack of gun control

Not enough mental health counselors…

You’ve heard all the excuses, but ultimately we are all to blame. We have not befriended the outcast, the lonely, the marginalized. Instead we often mock, gossip and treat people who are different than us as if they belong to a lower caste. We become so consumed with our personal comfort zones, trying to keep our own little stories happy and pain free, that we don’t look to those who are suffering more than we.

Violence is a matter of heart control, not gun control.

Who controls our heart?

I know how important friends are for well-being. There have been times I have felt friendless, and my mind thinks of horrible things. I know how I have hurt people who have hurt me – not with a gun, but with my words. We all have hearts that struggle with evil and need not point fingers at others who simply live out their thoughts of revenge.

This is not to say that justice should not be served, there must be consequences for all violent actions, but let us be mindful of our own hearts which have become cold to the hurts of others, reacting with outrage and judgement.

G K Chesterton, an English writer in the 20^th century, was asked by The Times to answer the question,

What’s wrong with the world?

His written response was:

Dear Sir,

I am.

Yours, G K Chesterton

Now those are the words of an honest man. He understands his own proclivity toward evil, and realizes that without asking God to rule our heart we are inclined to do evil as well.

When Jesus lived on earth He was criticized for hanging out with the prostitutes, the tax collectors and other lowlifes of society. How far we have come from His compassion and goodness.

I have always loved Micah 6:8:

He has shown you, O Man what is good.

What does the Lord require of you,

But to act justly,

To love mercy,

And to walk humbly with your God.

Lord, please break our hearts for what breaks Your heart.

Love, Mom

21-Day Brain Detox

January 24, 2018 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

How often do toxic thoughts appear in your mind? Do they seem to pop up more than you like? Are you sometimes appalled at what goes through your mind? Yeah, me too.

Back in September, my friend Christine called and excitedly asked if I had heard about the 21-Day Brain Detox. Blandly I replied, You mean a food detox? I’ve read about many detoxifications of the body, have actually tried a few myself and was not particularly keen on another one. But she said, No, it’s a thought detox of the brain.

This made me a bit more interested, so Christine briefly outlined the Detox, suggested some YouTube videos to watch, was eager to know my opinion of the whole deal, then said good-bye.

So I watched a few videos. Dr. Caroline Leaf is an amazing woman, a cognitive neuroscientist with a PhD in communication pathology, specializing in neuropsychology. I could write a few more paragraphs with many long words about her studies, degrees, and work with thousands of people in her native country of South Africa and all over the world – but suffice it to say she has studied, done her homework well, and in turn has taught thousands to detox their brains.

The bottom line of her teaching is this: because God created our brain with neuroplasticity (the ability to change) it is a scientific fact that we can train our mind to think differently than it does now.

We have wired many thoughts into our brains during our lifetimes, some good thoughts, other thoughts which are dangerously toxic. And what has been wired in can be wired out.

Dr. Leaf teaches people how to destroy toxic thoughts and replace them with good healthy thoughts. She is amazed at how Science has finally caught up with the Bible.

As Paul wrote many years ago in his letter to the Romans:

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…

Dr. Leaf, according to recent research, explains that the mind (our thoughts for which we are responsible) can actually change the way our brain (the grey matter) functions.

Anyway, I decided to sign up for the 21-Day Detox. Dr. Leaf has a 2-3 minute coaching video for each day, plus online instructions and plenty of encouragement. The first few days were quite exciting, having this newfound knowledge to clean up my thought life. Then, as with any determination to change a lifestyle, things got a little harder. Thankfully our thoughts are not written in a little bubble above our heads as they are in cartoon strips. I am grateful we aren’t put into jail on the basis of what we think.

If we are honest I think we can agree we have all had thoughts like:

I’m so afraid and fearful about.…

I think I’d rather have him for a husband

I hate my body

If only….

I am such a loser

My life is so boring

I can never get it right

Nothing will ever change

God doesn’t really love me, I feel like He’s forgotten me

If I were God, I would have done things a lot differently

My life is such a waste

God doesn’t even hear me

I wish she (or he) were dead

I just want to die

It doesn’t matter how good we look on the outside, we all grapple with tenacious toxic thoughts.

Our minds are such an amazing part of our bodies, so complex, fearfully and wonderfully made. And as you may have experienced, the mind is a battlefield, as Joyce Meyer so wisely states. Every moment of every day we are deluged with thoughts from all around and within us. Thoughts from events that happened today, yesterday, years and even decades ago.

Every murder, every affair begins with a fleeting toxic thought. Some thoughts come from our Enemy, some from our own ungrateful hearts, others are suggested by people and the media around us.

I find it curious that researchers at Stanford are in the midst of performing multiple forensic analyses of Stephen Haddock’s (the Las Vegas shooter) brain. They are hoping to find a disease or tumor of some kind which would point to the reason why he killed 59 and injured over 500 concertgoers on October 1 last year.

Anyway, Dr. Leaf instructs her readers how to be still and deliberately listen to the thoughts that filter through our minds. To my surprise I had more toxic thoughts than I care to mention. I truly thought I had dealt with disappointments and offenses from the past, but the Holy Spirit was quite gracious to show me I have not.

Dr. Leaf teaches and gives ideas of how to replace toxic thoughts with the Word of God.

When we are fearful:

For God did not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me? Psalm 118:6

When I am afraid I will trust in You… Psalm 56:3

When we think nothing will ever change:

Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? Isaiah 43:18-19

When we think we have been forgotten by God:

I am with you always, even to the end of the age. Matthew 28:20

When we are anxious:

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

When we carry around guilt from sin of the past:

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive our sins, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9

Because many of our toxic thoughts did not just arrive yesterday we cannot expect them to leave immediately and without a fight. To be aware of and battle the toxic thoughts in our minds takes work – and this battle is not for the faint of heart.

Obviously, God thinks it’s possible to renew and change our minds; Dr. Leaf is simply agreeing with Him. But she always encourages us to deal with only one toxic thought at a time because it would be too overwhelming to battle them all at once.

I have many more toxic thoughts than I had imagined, but the root of them all is that I struggle with the fact that God is good, that He loves me. That I can trust Him with everything that has happened in my life. It’s the same lie Eve believed in the Garden. Satan tempted her with the single thought – Is God really good? Did He really say? Maybe you should make your own choices and do it your way…

To be sure, this 21-day detox is not simply behavior modification, but is getting at the root of our behavior – which is our sinful, toxic thoughts. Five years ago, I read Joyce Meyer’s Battlefield of the Mind and this detox actually builds upon that book, yet in a more disciplined, intentional 15-minutes-a-day manner.

I am determined to win this battle for my mind, but after three months I perceive it will become a lifestyle for the rest of my days. The battle is fierce, but the rewards are many – a mind that is free.

Love, Mom

Boys will be boys….

January 9, 2018 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

It’s looking like #Metoo will become the most memorable hashtag of 2017. I rejoice there have been so many women coming forward, honestly sharing their stories which have been quieted for decades. And just when I think the stories are diminishing, yet another one surfaces.

I lament that there are so many who have been used, abused, silenced and threatened with lies and other intimidation maneuvers. Over the years I have grieved with several personal friends as they have recounted their own stories of being assaulted, molested and raped. The devastation that follows is indescribable and becomes a part of their story for the remainder of their lives.

In the past, unwanted fondling, groping and inappropriate touching was often considered trivial and given the excuse boys will be boys. But as Ann Voskamp wisely writes:

If boys will be boys, girls will be garbage.

Sexual freedoms which were so celebrated in the 1960’s with the advent of the Pill have not made us free. Instead we have scandals, accusations, denials, finger pointing, judgment, hopelessness and despair. In fact, it seems our society has become sex-obsessed, which instead of giving freedom has become a bondage to many. It has caused us to see people as merely bodies to be used, instead of being given the respect, love and value that God originally bestowed on us.

I remember the question our nation was faced with when a past President was charged with an improper sexual relationship with a White House intern back in 1988.

Is morality an absolute or a private matter?

For much of our culture, morality is simply defined as what you feel is right. That opinion brings a dilemma however: right for you may not be right for me.

For many of the accused men, I’m quite certain this is their belief, that morality is a private matter. But what happens when their belief collides with the women they use?

God created each of us, male and female, with bodies that are sacred. We are not only physical, but a spirit and a soul beautifully wrapped in flesh and blood. When our body is touched so is our soul, whether it is a genuine hug from a friend or a caress from our husband. But when unwanted, toxic touch occurs it hurts not only our body but also our soul and emotions – our entire person.

In the late 80’s, after the President’s adultery was uncovered, many others in high government positions were also publicly exposed with their past affairs, some from years and even decades earlier. Included were those who had hoped to impeach the President because of his moral failure. Several men argued that their actions were merely indiscretions of their youth – at age 41.

Why is it so easy to point out other’s sins yet assume no one will discover our own? Jesus was right when he said long ago:

There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed,

or hidden that will not be made known.

What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight,

and what you have whispered in the ear in inner rooms

will be proclaimed from the housetops.

But back to the question about morality being absolute or a private matter. If a person, male or female, commits adultery – or more politely having an affair – which is basically lying to their spouse, why would we trust them with political office, with power, with directing large sums of money? If a person lies in one area of their life, we can safely assume there will be deceit in other areas as well.

When God carved those words, Do not commit adultery, He was simply desiring for us to live lives of simplicity and love. He always wants the best for us.

Is marriage and fidelity hard? Of course they are. Marriage is a mystery and will always be a mystery, but should never be seen as a problem. It takes a lifetime to learn to love our husbands. But just because something is difficult doesn’t mean it should be abandoned.

I honestly think learning to stay faithful and love, no matter what happens in life, is much simpler than lying, trying to cover up those lies, attempting to impress someone new while carrying around all the deceit being hidden, pretending, covering up other lies – and all the while trying to look as though all is well. Not to mention all the pain it inflicts on children, parents and others involved.

Harvey Weinstein, who has over 80 women with accusations of sexual abuse against him, has recently been quoted as saying,

I am profoundly devastated.

I have lost my wife and kids, whom I love more than anything else.

Weinstein, who has produced such movies as Sex, Lies, and Videotape and Flirting with Disaster seems to have embodied his own films in real life.

One thing that gives me a bit of joy in the midst of all this madness in our world is that somehow the general public really does have some kind of a moral law in their minds.

With the theory of naturalism (everything can be explained in the natural and scientific realm) prevalent in so much of our society there is no rational reason for right or wrong, absolutely none. Science cannot dictate which sexual advances are inappropriate. Science alone cannot give value to human beings or command respect for them. Living with the philosophy of naturalism, which many in our country believe, everyone is free to make their own rules because there is no transcendence, no higher being, no moral law-giver. Only what is seen with the eyes, measured in the lab and studied in science is real.

So why then are many people with no belief in the unseen realm upset with sexual indiscretions? If the man thinks it’s good, it must be ok. Why have women’s opinions suddenly become important and newsworthy?

I cannot answer that question except that it is by God’s grace. Truth is coming out and men are being called to account for their actions.

As long as I can remember, men who jump from woman to woman have been called Playboys. I think it is an accurate term, boys who have never grown up, who still like to play with women as toys instead of committing to one for a lifetime.

There is a possible danger I can faintly hear coming in the future – women putting all men in the same category of sexual predators. I do hope we will have the courage to not become men-haters because of the accusations of these high-profile abusers.

There are countless faithful, true, loving men who do keep their promises in the good times and bad, in the difficult and in the celebratory, even though temptation lurks with every mouse click.

I thank God for the men in our lives who treat women with respect, grace and kindness. Yes, we all have our disagreements, conflicts and misunderstandings because we are all humans with countless flaws. But I pray that we will continue to honor and esteem one another, growing and learning to love even in the most difficult of times.

Love, Mom

p.s. I wonder if we should start #Wetoo for those of us who have faithful husbands…

O Holy Night

December 24, 2017 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

I have always been fascinated by stories behind music, old songs and new. No song ever comes out of a vacuum but reflects a life, an era, a belief system and a heart.

A few weeks ago I read the back story of one of my favorite Christmas songs, O Holy Night. I think it is probably one of the most intriguing stories I have ever heard.

The song started way back in 1847 when a parish priest asked Placide Cappeau – a wine merchant, mayor of the town and sometimes poet in France – to pen a poem for Christmas mass. Cappeau was rather surprised because he was better known for his poetry than his church attendance, but he was honored to take the challenge.

So, as he was traveling by stagecoach to Paris one day, he started reading the Gospel of Luke and imagined himself at the manger in Bethlehem. By the time he reached Paris, Cantique de Noel was complete.

Cappeau was certain that these words needed a tune, so he turned to a friend, Adolphe Adams, for help. Adams had studied at the Paris Conservatory and had been commissioned to write works for orchestras and ballets all over the world – a musician extraordinaire.

The interesting fact is that Adams was of Jewish heritage, so the words were about a holiday he did not celebrate and a man whom he did not believe was the Son of God. Nevertheless, he quickly went to work and the song was performed three weeks later at the midnight Christmas Mass.

Cantique de Noel was immediately lauded and loved by many in France, becoming a Christmas favorite. Sometime later, however, Cappeau decided to become part of the socialist movement, and when some church members found that the tune had been written by a Jew, the song was banned and denounced by Church authorities.

The common French people paid no mind to the intention of burying Cantique de Noel , so continued to sing and share it in their homes and community gatherings. It became a sort of underground hit in France.

About ten years later the song somehow came to the attention of John Sullivan Dwight, an obscure American writer. Being an abolitionist, he was particularly impressed by the lyrics of the third verse:

Truly He taught us to love one another;

His law is love and His gospel is peace.

Chains shall He break,

For the slave is our brother;

And in His name all oppression shall cease.

Dwight decided to translate Cantique de Noel into English, renaming it O Holy Night and publishing it in his magazine. It soon came to be celebrated as a song of freedom for the American North during this time of the Civil War.

Fast forward to 1906, when the only type of radios existing were wireless transmitters picking up Morse code. On Christmas Eve that year Reginald Fessenden, a 33-year-old university professor and former chief chemist of Thomas Edison, was tinkering in his office and began to do something that had never before been done. Fessenden started speaking into a microphone he had rigged up and read the Christmas story from Luke 2:

And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed….

Fessenden had no idea who, if anyone, was able to hear his broadcast. After he finished reading the story, he picked up his violin and played O Holy Night – the first song ever to be heard over the airwaves.

There were many who listened to that broadcast on Christmas Eve, some thinking perhaps they were hearing a miracle and indeed it was – in more ways than one.

From the creation of the song in 1847 by two men who really didn’t believe in what they were writing, the song later being shunned by the church hierarchy in France, finding its way to the United States during a time of war, then becoming the first song to ever be heard over the radio, was truly amazing.

Thinking about the wonder of this story, I am amazed at how painstakingly God brought about one of the greatest Christmas songs ever. If He wants something to happen, He will stop at nothing to let it be so. He works through many people, oftentimes unknowingly, weaving together a beautiful story and song out of stranger than fiction happenings.

And if He cares that much about mere music dots on a page and words of a song, how much more does He care about you, and all the circumstances that flow in and out of your life?

Even though we may not see Him, His fingerprints are everywhere if we open our eyes to see.

Fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices

O night divine, O night when Christ was born…

Love, Mom

One Year Later…

December 17, 2017 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

We buried Grandma a year ago today.

Last December, the doorbell was ringing often. Grandma lay near the end of her life, quiet, unresponsive and calm. Hospice workers came in the front door along with gusts of snow and wind, coming to comfort us and Grandma, answering our questions and reminding us that death is not an emergency.

It seems so long ago that she was at the piano playing a myriad of tunes, many learned half-a -century earlier and still played by memory, even though she didn’t know my name or the fact that I was her daughter. How I loved laying on the couch listening and simply being her audience of one.

The delicate sweet whistling we had listened to for years is gone, yet still strong and alive in my memory, show tunes, hymns, children’s songs…

Every time I set the table now, which used to be Grandma’s job, I see her in my mind as she painstakingly counted and sometimes recounted the four knives, four spoons, forks, napkins and plates. She did her job well even when it was difficult, always wanting to do her part, willing to help just as a little child trying to please her mother.

I think about the heritage Grandma has left behind. There are many memories of kindness, the giving of herself, of faithfulness and always remembering others. She never forgot a birthday or anniversary – until her mind started dimming. She was continually giving value to the important days in others’ lives.

There were no decorations in the house last year because celebrating Christmas when Grandma was dying just didn’t seem right. This year I decorated simply, finding some of her artwork from decades ago.

A group of us went with Grandpa to her gravesite today, remembering, mourning and then celebrating the many years of giving and living that those remembrances provide.

It would be easy to look at the gravestone and think she is gone from this life. And in a way it’s true. Yet it is important to look through her life, see all that Grandma has given to us, passed on to us – her children and grandchildren. The gifts she has given are immense. Yes, she has failed in many ways, just as we all have. But she lived a life of gentleness, generosity, musicality and compassion, trusting in Jesus to safely bring her home.

Grandma, as well as all of us, live in a Story – a Story that started thousands of years ago, a Story that countless generations have passed through. We are all a part of that Story – beginning from the garden in Eden to the great coming again of Jesus Christ.

We are not, as many people believe, simply repeating endlessly the cycle of birth and death, heading nowhere. We have a heavenly home toward which we are hiking by faith, a path which millions of other pilgrims like ourselves have walked, giving us strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.

I sometimes think it would be good for us, at times, to ponder our lives and wonder about our own eulogy – what others will speak about us someday. Will our life be remembered for our generous giving, for our kind words – or as a life full of complaining, bitterness and accumulating?

Grandma has been in heaven now for over a year. I can only imagine what she has seen and experienced in that time, but I do know that it must be beyond my wildest dreams.

Let’s face it, our life here on earth is hard; it’s a battle against evil every day of our lives. But if we look at the little blip of time we are here compared to the eons we will spend in eternity, it is only a quick moment, a blink of an eye.

Give thanks for those who have gone before us, yet keep your eyes on the glorious future that awaits you.

Love, Mom

Ten Thousand Gifts

November 21, 2017 / Shari Baar / 4 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Six years ago I read the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. The book was birthed because of a challenge from Ann’s friend to list 1,000 gifts that God had given her, gifts she already had. Gifts that were around her every day, but she had forgotten to see. What started as a difficult hunt for gifts turned out to be the most joy-filled assignment Ann had ever received. In counting gifts – blessings – she was able to turn from guilt, regrets and shame, while she watched her life transform into gratitude, delight and joy.

As you remember, I also took the challenge to count gifts, naming them one by one. At the beginning it was easy, fun, and continually kept me on a treasure hunt. But as my health disintegrated and I had to quit my teaching job, it became more and more difficult to list those gifts because I saw so little for which to be thankful.

Thankfully, Ann also wrote about the Hard Eucharisteo – (the Greek word for giving thanks) when gratitude is difficult, when life doesn’t go your way, when you can’t understand the evil all around and within you. During these past six years I have taken breaks from my gratitude journal, but out of necessity started writing again, thanking God for the beautiful but also – with tears – for the darkness, the uncertainty, and the disappointment I was facing.

I have filled six journals over the past six years, over 10,000 spaces filled with gifts from God. There were days, for months at a time, I didn’t write, couldn’t write – or was it that I refused to be thankful for my heartache on some of those darkest days? That I refused to believe God loved me and was walking with me through those times?

There were times in the past when I have begged God to let me die, nights when I was tempted to swallow down the whole bottle of Ambien because of the frustration of insomnia during the night and the relentless fatigue during the day.

Thankfully, God said no to my prayer for my life to end. Through it all Dad was there to stay with me, listen to my wails, sometimes simply sit in silence and love me even though I seemed so unlovable and saw no reason for my continued existence. His faithfulness and kindness helped to carry me through the months, and later the years of physical weakness.

Eventually, I started giving thanks once again, thankful I could still make meals, wash clothes, see and enjoy beautiful pumpkins in the field, geese flying through the sky, the laughter of children, the encouragement from friends and you – my daughters.

Later though I would dive again into the days filled with shadows, forget to give thanks, the gratitude journal diving to the bottom of my book pile, neither seen nor remembered.

Some days I would read the Psalms, and on the dark days one of my favorites was Psalm 13. King David, the writer of this and many Psalms was brutally honest with his emotions. He starts out by saying

How long, O Lord?

Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?…

Yep, that’s exactly how I felt – forgotten and hidden from God. I had prayed for healing, but it didn’t come. Day after day I lay on the couch, transferring to bed when darkness fell. David continues:

…How long must I wrestle with my thoughts,

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death….

It was comforting for me to know that David, a man after God’s own heart, was also depressed and discouraged at times. And the amazing part is that God ordained David’s thoughts and emotions to be written, saved and recorded for generations later with which to identify.

During those dark days I loved those verses, feeling quite righteous in my feelings of being forgotten, neglected and abandoned by God. I could wallow in my pity, figuring that God wouldn’t expect much from me simply because I seemed to be off His radar.

But now and again, I would reluctantly read the last few verses of that Psalm:

…but I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord, for He has been good to me.

There were times I certainly didn’t trust, rejoice or sing because I didn’t believe He had been good to me, I believed the lie that He no longer cared. I wondered how David could end up singing and trusting even though he had felt abandoned as well. But if I was going to be honest and believe that the Bible is indeed true, I needed to finish reading that psalm, not just camp out on the verses about gloom and feelings of despair.

I found that if I spoke or sang those words out loud, hope would emerge again. I would pull out my journal and scribble a few more lines of gratitude. Joy would multiply – oh so slowly – but it started and I could see the possibility of a future that was good even though it didn’t happen according to my plans.

Here I am today, much better than what I was, yet still not where I would like to be. Oh well, I will continue to trust in His unfailing love no matter what lies ahead of me. I have seen His faithfulness in the past and will continue to trust Him for the future.

When your days are dark – sing, perhaps even weep through tears of grief – give thanks and know that He will never leave you nor forsake you.

And that is enough.

Love, Mom

The Blessing of Thorns

November 7, 2017 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

My friend gave me a copy of this story a few months ago, so thought I would share it with you:

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes as she pushed against a November gust and the florist shop door. Her life had been easy, like a spring breeze. Then in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a minor automobile accident stole that from her.

During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son. She grieved over her loss. As if that weren’t enough, her husband’s company threatened a transfer. Then her sister, those holiday visit she coveted, called saying she could not come for the holiday.

Sandra’s friend infuriated her by suggesting her grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer.

She has no idea what I’m feeling, thought Sandra with a shudder.

Thanksgiving? Thankful for what? She wondered. For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life but took that of her child?

Good afternoon, can I help you? The shop clerk’s approach startled her.

I need an arrangement, stammered Sandra.

For Thanksgiving? Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the Thanksgiving Special? asked the shop clerk. I’m convinced that flowers tell stories, she continued. Are you looking for something that conveys gratitude this thanksgiving?

Not exactly! Sandra blurted out. In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.

Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the shop clerk said, I have the perfect arrangement for you.

Just then the shop door’s small bell rang, and the clerk said Hi Barbara! let me get your order.

She politely excused herself and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped: there were no flowers.

Want this in a box? Asked the clerk.

Sandra watched for the customer’s response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers? She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed.

Yes please, Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. You’d think that after three years of getting the special, I wouldn’t be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again, she said as she gently tapped her chest. And she left with her order.

Uh, stammered Sandra, that lady just left with uh…., she just left with no flowers!

Right, said the clerk, I cut off the flowers. That’s the Special. I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet.

Oh, come on, you can’t tell me someone is willing to pay for that! exclaimed Sandra.

Barbara came into the shop three years ago feeling much like you feel today, explained the clerk. She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had lost her father to cancer, the family business was failing, her son was into drugs, and she was facing major surgery.

That same year I had lost my husband, continued the clerk, and for the first time in my life, had just spent the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow any travel.

So what did you do? asked Sandra.

I learned to be thankful for thorns, answered the clerk quietly.

I’ve always thanked God for the good things in my life and never questioned the good things that happened to me, but when bad stuff hit, did I ever ask questions. It took time for me to learn that dark times are important. I have always enjoyed the flowers of life, but it took thorns to show me the beauty of God’s comfort. You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we’re afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others.

Sandra sucked in her breath as she thought about the very thing her friend had tried to tell her.

I guess the truth is I don’t want comfort. I’ve lost a baby and I’m angry with God.

Just then someone else walked in the shop.

Hey Phil! Shouted the clerk to the balding, rotund man.

My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving Special..12 thorny, long-stemmed stems, laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue-wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.

Those are for your wife? asked Sandra incredulously. Do you mind me asking why she wants something that looks like that?

No, I’m glad you asked, Phil replied. Four years ago my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years we were in a real mess, but with the Lord’s grace and guidance, we slogged through problem after problem. He rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she learned from thorny times, and that was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific problem and give thanks for what that problem taught us.

As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra I highly recommend the Special.

I don’t know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life. Sandra said. It’s all too fresh.

Well, the clerk replied carefully, my experience has shown me that thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God’s providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don’t resent the thorns.

Tears rolled down Sandra’s cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on resentment.

I’ll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please, she managed to choke out.

I hoped you would, said the clerk gently. I’ll have them ready in a minute.

Thank you. What do I owe you?

Nothing. Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year’s arrangement is always on me. The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra.

I’ll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first.

It read: My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns. I have thanked you a thousand times for my roses, but never once for all my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain. Show me that through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant.

Praise Him for your roses; thank Him for your thorns.

–Author Unknown

Lori, the friend who gave me this story, has been confined to a wheelchair for 23 years, following a car accident. Since her accident she has broken both her legs and suffered infections which have kept her bedridden for months, yet she is probably the most content woman I know. When visiting her I marvel at the grace, gratitude and peace she exudes. She knows that someday she will stand in the presence of Jesus Christ and her body will be whole, so is content to do what she can until that time comes.

Lori has taught me much about acceptance and gratitude. I often forget to thank God for the good things in life, then complain about the thorns. What makes us think life should be easy and comfortable?

This year, join me in giving thanks for the thorns as well as the roses. In God’s wisdom they all belong to the same plant.

Love, Mom

The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

He leads me beside quiet waters,

He restores my soul….

Psalm 23

Old Songs, New Songs

October 27, 2017 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

A few weeks ago, our worship leader started out the service by saying

Today we’re going to sing a lot of old favorites.

In my head I’m thinking

Old equals 200 years.

Obviously, she is a millennial because the songs we sang were all around 10 to 20 years old. I chuckled to myself because the definition of old can mean different things to different people.

The songs were wonderful, well-done and worshipful, but I found it interesting that to some, old simply means a few decades. To others, like myself, it means a few centuries.

That afternoon I got thinking about old songs and new songs. I remembered last winter when Grandma was dying and in Hospice care. Hospice provides spiritual support, and we were blessed with a guitar-playing, boisterous singing chaplain.

Chaplain John came to the door on a snowy December day with his guitar in hand. Being a musician myself I was elated that he obviously loved music as well. When he came into the bedroom where Mom lay unconscious, he sat down, opened his guitar case and passed around song sheets, Christmas carols along with old yet well-loved hymns.

For the last several days before Grandma’s death, people had come in to say their good-byes, some singing, talking or praying quietly. A few weeks prior, Grandma herself one day started singing

Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so

Little ones to Him belong, they are weak but He is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me.

Yes, Jesus loves me, the Bible tells me so.

I joined in, singing along with her. I think she knew her time was short and was comforted by this simple but profound song.

Awhile back I was teaching piano in Michigan, and I had a twenty-something student starting out as a beginner. She had recently become a Christian and wanted to start learning to play on the piano some songs she had heard in church. She attended a contemporary-song-singing church and loved the songs that were used in worship. One week she came to her lesson so excited about a beautiful new song she just learned last Sunday, Amazing Grace, and wondered if I could find the music for her. (This was before the time of musicnotes.com). She was surprised to hear that Amazing Grace was 250 years old, but it brought her great joy as she learned to play and sing it.

I started thinking about old songs and new songs the other day, and how the old songs seem to be fading away in many churches. Then I wondered: when millennials become senior citizens and begin to die, what songs will their friends and family sing at their bedsides?

Thinking of some of the recent popular Christian songs I wondered how we could sing Oceans, My Lighthouse, Breathe, 10,000 Reasons, Break Every Chain at someone’s bedside, not having a worship band backing us up.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love these songs, I sing, play and listen to them often, but they are rather difficult to sing acapella or as a small group with only a guitar. I am a worship leader and love learning all the new songs, but the older I get the more I wonder if we are robbing our younger friends of those old, timeless hymns of the distant past.

There is something secure, bridging the generations, with the ageless hymns of our history.

I attended worship a few years ago in Chicago. It was a mega-church, wonderful worship band on stage, and an outstanding message on faithfulness and commitment in marriage. The song immediately following the message was Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing, a hymn over 200 years old. I was rather surprised at this choice because the rest of the service had been newer songs. When we got to the fourth verse the words

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love

surprised me, not only because it fit so well with the message, but simply because it was a beautiful song. The song begins with the words:

Come thou fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing thy praise.

Tune my heart – what a beautiful word picture. We tune guitars, pianos and other instruments all the time with hi-tech tuners, but tuning our hearts? That’s a lot tougher to do because it takes time – thanksgiving, confession, and alone time with God – all those good quiet disciplines that we often neglect.

It’s much easier to tune our hearts to what’s wrong with our husband, what’s wrong with our kids, all the unfairness in the world, or how you have been wronged. I’m continually trying to tune my heart to count my blessings, to give thanks in all things, but it is hard work. The battle of the mind is relentless. Sometimes words come out of my mouth that I didn’t even realize were in my mind. But they were probably in my heart.

I’ll continue to enjoy the new songs, but I hope we don’t abandon the old faithful sung-through-the-centuries songs that are remarkably up to date. Maybe that’s because people struggle with the same emotions, the same sin, the same hearts that need a tune-up every day of our life.

Love, Mom

Branches and Trees

Page 13 of 22

Girls Will Be Girls

Strong Words

Heart Control

21-Day Brain Detox

Boys will be boys….

O Holy Night

One Year Later…

Ten Thousand Gifts

The Blessing of Thorns

Old Songs, New Songs

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