About 25 years ago, our family traveled to Idaho to celebrate my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary. I don’t remember every detail, but at their home my mom and dad were bickering in the kitchen over something trivial. From the den, I overheard part of their exchange. Then my mom went outside to pick vegetables from the garden. After 25 years I still remember my dad’s next words to me:

“Your mom and I have been married for 50 years and

she’s still trying to change me.”

Those words hit me like a flash of lightning because for 25 years I had been trying to do the same thing. Apparently, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.  Immediately I vowed to find a way to love my husband for who he is and not for who I hope he will be in the future.

I’m embarrassed to say that it took this statement from my dad to finally read my first book about marriage, Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas.

Our marriage has always been committed, but not always loving, encouraging, and peaceful.  In the first chapter of Sacred Influence, Thomas writes that although there are many good books on marriage written by women for women to encourage them in their marriages, he thought it might be helpful to write some male insights into men’s thoughts and feelings.

Thomas starts by stating God loves women.  He feels passion for you when you cry, in fact he cries with you.  He wants your marriage to be fulfilling and satisfying.  Gary writes,

“God knows that men can provide great strength, nurture, comfort, and security, but also that they can be frustrating, terrifying, demanding, and selfish.”

Then he goes on to remark that there is no way we can change a man, but that we can learn to influence him or move him – a far subtler art.  Remarkably, Gary goes on to say that your husband isn’t the only imperfect person in the relationship.  Now that was one of my problems earlier on, I thought I was OK just like I was and that the whole problem in our marriage was him.  But one day God showed me that I was also a part of the problem – what a shocking revelation!

As I was trying to digest this scandalous new mindset I realized there is only one person in the world I can change, and that’s me.  After the initial shock of this enlightening insight, so much pressure has been taken from me to know that I can’t, and finally don’t want to change Dad, but I can become more patient, kind, and loving, then leave the rest up to God.  That too, was a new concept to me – letting God do the work that only He can do.

But before I can love, I must believe that I am loved by God because I simply cannot love well on my own.

I love the words from Lauren Daigle when she pours out her heart to God:

     You say I am loved, when I don’t feel a thing

     You say I am strong, when I feel I am weak

     You say I am held, when I am falling short

     And when I don’t belong, Oh You say I am yours.

              And I believe….

Yes, I believe.  I must believe that God loves me before I can love anyone well.  Believing has been some of the hardest work I have ever done, but also some of the most life-saving work God has done through me.

Some days I find myself reverting back into my old, ingrained ways of thinking, but little by little I am learning, growing, trusting and changing…