Musings on Marriage

Category: Just thinking (Page 9 of 9)

Turtle on a Fencepost

Dear Daughters,

I have never seen a turtle on a fencepost in real life, but you can imagine it didn’t get up there by itself.  Maybe it wasn’t even in favor of the idea.

I just finished the book Turtle on a Fencepost by June Rae WoodIt’s a young teen’s book, and a beautiful story – complete with intergenerational characters, problems with friends, mourning, scuffles with family, physical disabilities, misunderstandings, pre-judging people and many other typical human struggles.

Back in the small farming era, most any farmer plowing with a tractor would pick up turtles and set them on fence posts, rather than smash them under their tires.  At the end of the day, it was usually the job of the farmer’s kids to walk the fences and put the turtles safely back down on the ground.

There were times, when one of the mean kids in the county would leave a turtle stranded on a post, laughing as the legs paddled through the air trying to find land – then walk away.

Delrita, the main character of Turtle on a Fencepost, had recently lost her parents in a car accident, was living with her uptight Aunt Queenie with painted-on eyebrows, Uncle Bert who donned a toupee, and her crotchety old WWII veteran Gramps.

In a sense, all those people living under the same roof were turtles, each on their own fencepost.  None of them had chosen the role they were living, and none understood the other.  But because they continued to do life together, trying to be family even when the feelings weren’t there, they learned to appreciate and eventually love each other.

There were reasons why Aunt Queenie was so rigid, why Gramps was always critical and never satisfied with anything or anyone.  Delrita had her own reasons for constantly lashing out at the people living in her household.  But when each person started to be honest and speak about their past, their griefs and their crushed dreams, they learned to look past the quirks and oddities of each other and embrace the abundance of good that eventually became apparent.

I became so thoroughly captivated with the book that I stayed up later than usual reading.  It wasn’t quite as riveting as John Grishom or Ted Dekker, but stories about human interactions and conflicts always grab my attention.

Then I got thinking about families – the annoyances we all have with each other at times, those rough edges we see especially when we live and work with people – and remembered the saying:

Be kind.  For everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

When I used to stop at a signal, waiting for the light to turn green, I would look at some of the picture perfect people sitting in cars around me and think that surely their lives were easy.  Surely they had a good job, a family without strife, friends that loved and appreciated them.

But after all these years of living and talking with many seemingly picture perfect people, I have found that there is no such thing.  We all sin in many ways, offend others without intending, and bristle when they annoy us.

Everyone is fighting a hard battle – but there are a lot of us fighting hard battles after losing a whole string of other battles.  Ann Voskamp

That’s exactly why Jesus tells us to be compassionate and forgive when people hurt us.  We know very little about what is going on in the hearts of others, but we do know that we all – without an exception –  suffer from the same human condition.  The condition that tempts us to judge, hold on to hurts, to think we are always right and the other is wrong.

It’s Jesus who works in us and others to become more like him.  We are all on different time lines, and if we simply remember what we were like many moons ago, perhaps we will have more grace with others.   It’s hard work to live that way, but as I have always told my students, and what I still constantly need to remind myself:

There’s nothing wrong with hard.

So…that’s the story about the turtle on the fencepost.  The analogy is beautiful and the lessons are many.  I pray that we all may be willing to help any stranded turtles we see so they can quit swimming in the air and be planted on firm ground.

Love, Mom

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wind

Dear Daughters,

Last week I found Grandpa sitting on his chair with the garage door wide open, enjoying the Spring sunshine.  I asked how things were going.  He replied,

Good, I’m just watching the clouds.  Do you see those clouds?  The thin wispy ones are going much faster than the big cluster of cumulous clouds.  They must be in different wind currents and altitudes.

Being a pilot in his younger years, he has studied stuff like that. So I sat down in a chair nearby and we had a chat about clouds and wind.  Sure enough, when I took the time to sit, study and watch the clouds, I could see that  they were definitely moving at different speeds.  It was quite a fascinating conversation, and I learned a lot just listening to Grandpa and watching the clouds in the beautiful blue sky.

Over 25 years ago a vast enclosed ecosystem of 3.14 acres was built outside of Tuscon, Arizona.  In this ecosystem, given the name Biosphere 2, scientists set out to study Earth’s living systems in a controlled environment.  Trees grown in Biosphere 2 grew quickly, faster than their counterparts in the wild.  The scientists were mystified though, when the trees became thin and weak with underdeveloped root systems, many of them falling over before they reached maturity.  Finally it was discovered that one element always found in the wild had been forgotten and neglected in Biosphere 2:

Wind

When trees grow in the wild they are subject to strong winds which are necessary to develop stress wood, strong fibrous wood that enables the tree to become stronger and vastly improves the quality of life for the tree.  Without stress wood, a tree can grow quickly but not sustain the weight that accompanies the height.

Thousands of years ago – back in the book of Exodus – the Israelis were taking their 40 year journey through the wilderness and they deplored the difficulty of crossing the desert.  They grumbled and whined  that everything was too hard; they wanted to go back to slavery in Egypt because those were the ‘good old days.’

But the reason God led them through the desert the long hard way was because He wanted them to grow up and mature.  As you may remember, the Israelis  continually asked

Why God, why?

When God, when?

How God, how?

They wanted the answers to all those questions immediately  instead of simply trusting God to provide what and when He knew was best for them.  All God asked was that they trust and obey.  Even though they had free food from heaven every morning, water to drink,  shoes and clothes that never wore out – they wanted more.  They were never content, never grateful, always complaining.

How similar our stories sound today.  Your marriage right now may seem too difficult and you would like this business of loving your husband to be a whole lot easier.  You may wonder when and how your relationship will get better.  But you know what happens when life gets hard?  We find that we need God more, we learn that by ourselves we cannot love the way we should.

You have been hurt, offended and at times it seems that your husband might drive you crazy with all his annoying habits.  Yet through it all, Jesus is trying to get you to lean into Him, trust Him in all the mess, and ask for help in loving your man.

It’s a struggle, a fight not to complain, not fall into the bitterness mode, but it is not too hard because God’s strength is always available.  And the good thing in all this?  Through these difficult times in your marriage you are becoming stronger, more loving, more patient – if you choose to forgive, compromise and give up your right to always be right.  You are becoming the woman of God you are meant to be.

I love Paul’s reminder to us, a verse I have read many times, fighting to believe that God’s word is true.

And let us not lose heart and grow weary and faint in acting nobly and doing right, for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not give up.

Galatians 6:9

We will reap what we sow.  But we need to keep acting nobly and doing right – and not give up.

True character is always shown in adversity.  Anyone can be happy when things go their way, but the real test is seeing how we act when things are not going our way.  Are we still able to trust God and do good in spite of how we are feeling?  God wants us to be stable in all circumstances because it shows  we are trusting Him for our future.  Unfortunately, we can only learn trust through trials and difficulties –  when we know we cannot do life on our own – which for me is every single day.

A few years ago Dad and I went through a difficult time in our relationship.  Yes, even after decades of marriage they still happen.  Initially I wanted to shut down, blame him and walk away.  Then I remembered these letters I’m writing to you and figured I better take my own advice – forgive him, acknowledge my own sin and let it go.  I had to fight for it but after a time I was able to say,

Thank you, Lord, for allowing this to happen to us, and I thank you in advance for how you will use it to strengthen our relationship.

Let me tell you, those words didn’t come without tears and agony, but I did speak them out loud, and I thank God for the grace that enabled me to say them. Gratitude, not resentment, is the wisest response to these hard times.

Today was a typical Spring 40-mph windy day here in Idaho.  As I was walking down the lane I saw many trees leaning and blowing in the wind.  It’s a wonder that all the trees  don’t permanently  lean slightly to the East because of the amount of wind we receive, but they don’t.  They stand strong and straight  – just like we as people stand strong if we do not lose heart.  Even though it’s tough , continue to do good and don’t  let the winds of life knock you down.  Let them play their part in strengthening you,  getting stronger and stronger as you trust God to work in both you and your husband,.

Just as the clouds in the sky are in different altitudes and move at different speeds, so you too may move at a different speed from your man.  That’s OK.  Welcome the wind, embrace the wind.  Stand strong, be patient, and know that God is good.

Love, Mom

 

Strong Words

Dear Daughters,

Daystar school in Chicago teaches the danger of using Strong Words.

One day at dinner in that same city I said, I hate jiggly fat on meat, when Allison promptly told me:

Hate is a strong word.

I was surprised and taken aback with her response, but I reluctantly agreed, then re-worded my sentence.  Ok, I really dislike jiggly fat on meat. 

I asked what other words were considered strong at their school.  The answer:

Always

Never

Later in bed that night I got thinking about strong words.  Many time I have used those words myself.  In times of anger I and others around me have said things like:

I hate grocery shopping

Do you always have to be so annoying?

We never do what I want to do

You never seem to care about me

I will never trust you again

I hate it when she does that

My life will never change

Since then I have become more aware of my words – not that I have become pristine in my language, but I am working at improvement.  Words like hate, always and never are quite final, absolute, with no exceptions allowed. They can harm others and are often said with irritation and annoyance when emotions run high.

Then a few years ago as I was reading the Bible I noticed a lot of strong words:

Always

All

Everything

Never

and those words are scattered in many different verses.  The difference though is that they are usually positive words and used as all-inclusive commands and/or promises.  I’ll list a few of my favorites:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Now if we really believed those words we would have no worry, no stress, no fear.  I, for one, tend to have amnesia when it comes to remembering that fact.  There are times I doubt those words, which obviously brings on stress and fear.

And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.  (Matthew 28:10)

Do you ever feel forgotten by God?  Somedays I feel like He is not at all with me, I feel lonely and overlooked, but again I must remind myself that this is only a feeling.  The truth is that He is with me always, whether I feel like it or not.

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,

Never will I leave you;

Never will I forsake you.  (Hebrews 13:5)

 Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.  (Deuteronomy 31:6)

 Now those are strong beautiful words, words I can count on, believe in – and as an extra benefit, they bring peace into my life.

All those verses remind me about the character of God, the truth of who He is.  Some days I may not feel or remember these things to be true, but I know they are and they bring me great comfort.

Now because Jesus is who He says He is, and if we have invited Him into our life, he also has some strong words for us.

 Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.  Ephesians 5:19

As I have known for years, giving thanks and singing is not an option if I want to live a life pleasing to God and joyful for me.  Even though I know it in my head, my heart doesn’t always feel like singing or giving thanks.  But when I do, I notice that hope is renewed, trust is strengthened and I experience calm and serenity which previously had eluded me.

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. (Colossians 4:6)

 Now I love it when God promises that he is always with me, and never will leave.  But when he tells me to have conversations that are always filled with grace – I find it rather difficult.  How easy it is to let words that are judgmental, harsh and derogatory fly from my lips.  Why do we find it much more pleasant to listen to the promises of God’s faithfulness, but do not so much appreciate the fact that He expects certain ways of life from us?

In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content…  Philippians 4:12

All circumstances??  Now that’s definitely a challenge.  It’s easy to be content when life is good, the sun is shining, the household is peaceful and others are agreeable with me.  But when politicians say and do things that offend me, when I’m unable to help Grandpa with his pain, when Dad and I don’t agree, when the muffler starts making embarrassing loud rumbles, when my body doesn’t do what I want it to do, when my computer doesn’t work properly, when there’s a mouse in the house – it’s more difficult to be content.

But there are also the follow up words,

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

I find it interesting that this is the very next verse after learning to be content in all circumstances.  It sounds so simple and logical, yet as we all know is difficult in practice.  First of all to be content, then learning that I absolutely can do that because Christ gives me the strength to do it.

Enjoy all these strong words about God and his everlasting promises, but at the same time know that He is always there to help us live out the strong words He commands for us.

There is hope and help for us all.  I will continue to use strong words yet strive to use them at the right time and in the right place, and for something more important than jiggly meat fat.

Love, Mom

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Heart Control

Dear Daughters,

Why is the news of yet another mass shooting at a school not surprising anymore?  I,  maybe you as well, have grown so accustomed to hearing about violent, senseless shootings, that we have become apathetic as we listen and read some details, then walk away and continue our day.

I have been pondering the hopelessness, anger, rage, hurt and fury that must be consuming a man’s mind as he plans, purchases, and devises all the evil he desires to carry out on unsuspecting victims, those in his opinion who are deserving of death.

Millions of children are being taught in American schools that they as humans are simply a collection of random mutations having occurred over an unspecified number of years.  They are educated year after year that they have no real reason or purpose, but only that they have arrived on this earth as a result of time plus matter plus chance.  We are little more than beasts of the jungle –  the theory of evolution tells us – so is it really surprising that people do what they do?

The disintegration of the nuclear family, loneliness, separation, divorce and fracturing human relationships all add up to violence in society. God created us to belong, to love, to live in community with one another.  When that is lost, every evil behavior surfaces.

And then there is the blame and fingers pointing all around:

It’s the fault of the FBI

The lack of gun control

Not enough mental health counselors…

You’ve heard all the excuses, but ultimately we are all to blame.  We have not befriended the outcast, the lonely, the marginalized.  Instead we often mock, gossip and treat people who are different than us as if they belong to a lower caste.  We become so consumed with our personal comfort zones, trying to keep our own little stories happy and pain free, that we don’t look to those who are suffering more than we.

Violence is a matter of heart control, not gun control.

Who controls our heart?

I know how important friends are for well-being.  There have been times I have felt friendless, and my mind thinks of horrible things.  I know how I have hurt people who have hurt me – not with a gun, but with my words.  We all have hearts that struggle with evil and need not point fingers at others who simply live out their thoughts of revenge.

This is not to say that justice should not be served, there must be consequences for all violent actions, but let us be mindful of our own hearts which have become cold to the hurts of others, reacting with outrage and judgement.

G K Chesterton, an English writer in the 20th century, was asked by The Times to answer the question,

What’s wrong with the world?

His written response was:

Dear Sir,

I am.

Yours, G K Chesterton

Now those are the words of an honest man.  He understands his own proclivity toward evil, and realizes that without asking God to rule our heart we are inclined to do evil as well.

When Jesus lived on earth He was criticized for hanging out with the prostitutes, the tax collectors and other lowlifes of society.  How far we have come from His compassion and goodness.

I have always loved Micah 6:8:

He has shown you, O Man what is good.

What does the Lord require of you,

But to act justly,

To love mercy,

And to walk humbly with your God.

 Lord, please break our hearts for what breaks Your heart.

Love, Mom

 

 

 

 

 

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