Musings on Marriage

Tag: Hard

The Gift of Thorns

My friend, Lori, has lived in a wheelchair for over 25 years following a car accident.  Yet, she is one of the most content people I know.  When visiting her I marvel at the grace, gratitude and peace she exudes.  She knows that someday she will stand in the presence of Jesus Christ and her body will be whole, so is content to do what she can until that time comes.

She shared the following story with me a few years ago.

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes as she pushed against a November gust and the florist shop door.  Her life had been easy, like a spring breeze.  Then in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a minor automobile accident stole that from her.

During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son.  She grieved over her loss.  As if that weren’t enough, her husband’s company threatened a transfer. Then her sister, whose holiday visit she coveted, called saying she could not come for the holiday.

Sandra’s friend infuriated her by suggesting her grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer.  

She has no idea what I’m feeling, thought Sandra with a shudder.

Thanksgiving?  Thankful for what?  She wondered.  For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her?  For an airbag that saved her life but took that of her child?

“Good afternoon, can I help you?”  The shop clerk’s approach startled her.

“I need an arrangement,” stammered Sandra.

“For Thanksgiving?  Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the Thanksgiving Special?” asked the shop clerk. 

“ I’m convinced that flowers tell stories,” she continued. “ Are you looking for something that conveys gratitude this thanksgiving?” “Not exactly!” Sandra blurted out. “In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.”

Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the shop clerk said, “I have the perfect arrangement for you.”

Just then the shop door’s small bell rang, and the clerk said, ”Hi Barbara!  Let me get your order.”

She politely excused herself and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and long-stemmed thorny roses.  Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped: there were no flowers.

“Want this in a box?” asked the clerk.

Sandra watched for the customer’s response.  Was this a joke?  Who would want rose stems with no flowers?  She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed. “Yes please,” Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. “You’d think that after three years of getting the special, I wouldn’t be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again,” she said as she gently tapped her chest. And she left with her order.

“Uh,” stammered Sandra, ”that lady just left with uh…., she just left with no flowers!”

“Right,” said the clerk, “I cut off the flowers.  That’s the Special.  I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet.”

“Oh, come on, you can’t tell me someone is willing to pay for that!” exclaimed Sandra.

“Barbara came into the shop three years ago feeling much like you feel today,” explained the clerk.  “She thought she had very little to be thankful for.  She had lost her father to cancer, the family business was failing, her son was into drugs, and she was facing major surgery.” 

“That same year I had lost my husband,” continued the clerk, “and for the first time in my life, had just spent the holidays alone.  I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow any travel.”

“So what did you do?” asked Sandra.

“I learned to be thankful for thorns,” answered the clerk quietly.

“I’ll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please,” she managed to choke out.

“I hoped you would,” said the clerk gently. “ I’ll have them ready in a minute.”

“Thank you.  What do I owe you?”

“Nothing.  Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year’s arrangement is always on me.”  The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra.

I’ll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first.

It read: My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns.  I have thanked you a thousand times for my roses, but never once for all my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns.  Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain.  Show me that through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant.

Praise Him for your roses; thank Him for your thorns.                  —Author Unknown

My friend, Lori, has taught me much about acceptance and gratitude.  I often forget to thank God for the good things in life, then complain about the thorns.  What makes us think life should be easy and comfortable?

This year, join me in giving thanks for the thorns as well as the roses.  In God’s wisdom they all belong to the same plant.

Mundane Sunsets

Tonight we had a mundane sunset.  Every night I glance out the window to see the palette of the evening.  Sometimes it’s simply blue and grey, other times there are combinations of orange, yellow, blue, maroon, red, purple, orange and countless other colors of the rainbow.  But tonight it was just hues of the blue sky, rather dull colors when contrasted with the other flaming, glorious, golden and sometimes stormy sunsets of previous evenings. 

That got me thinking about what makes a gorgeous sunset.  The more clouds – the positioning, depth, and different layering of clouds – the more beautiful sunset.  The less clouds, the more boring. 

When my dad and I used to sit out in the garage he gave me brief lessons about cloud types.  The cirrus clouds deliver a thin web-like texture, the cumulus give a bit more depth and color, whereas the stratus are the most foreboding of all.  Yet, when all three are combined in different parts of the sky, the results can be stunning as the sun shines through them.

Of course that got me thinking about what makes our lives beautiful.  If I equate clouds with trials and hardships – all those things we try to run away from in life – then the more and various clouds equal the more beauty.  Now I imagine that’s not what you wanted to hear today.  Nobody I know is asking for difficulties to come so they can become more beautiful, but we all know that hard times do have a way of finding their way into our lives. 

If you’re old enough to remember the Calvin and Hobbes comic strip, you’ll know that whenever Calvin’s dad gave him chores to do he would sulk.  Inevitably Calvin’s dad would say something to the effect that hard things are what build character – at which Calvin would roll his eyes and under his breath say “Yeah, ok Dad.”

Of course, what Calvin’s dad said is true.  Hard stuff in life does lead to the refining and building of our character.  Troubles bringing us to our knees, help to ground off the rough edges of our personality, and if we allow it, trials cause us to become more patient, kind and caring. 

I remember being decades younger and not having a lot of tolerance for other people’s weaknesses, grief or pain.  But after I experienced the deaths of those I love, I remember feeling a broken heart – for the first time in my life.  I had heard other people talk about having broken hearts, but when I experienced it myself, I grew in compassion for others’ grief. 

I used to be afraid to talk to someone who had lost a loved one to suicide or suffered a betrayal of a close friend.  But it was only then, when I unwillingly belonged to the same club as they, that I learned to talk about those emotions of grief, depression and anger because my only other choice was to stuff them down, allowing them to consume me from the inside out.

Recently I read a story illustrating this principle:

The Cloak

One night a heartbroken friend had a dream that she was standing in front of Jesus. He handed her a cloak. As she looked at the cloak, she realized it was alive. She could see that its threads were strands of specific events from her life, some bright and beautiful, others wormy and grotesque. She looked at the ugly strands–abuse, betrayal, divorce, illness, grief–each reminding her of seasons of excruciating pain. Just as she tried to pull out the threads, she glanced at Jesus. He took the cloak, wrapped her in it, and looked at her with an expression of deep pleasure and delight, as if the cloak were the most beautiful tapestry ever woven. At that moment she realized that if she attempted to pluck out the ugly bits, the entire garment would unravel.

We have all suffered innumerable hurts, heartaches and devastating events, for no one is immune. At times we may feel like we live in a never-ending dark tunnel.  We have a choice, however – a choice to allow Jesus to fight for us against the hard stuff or succumb to their power and live in fear and despair.

It’s often tempting to curse the clouds when they cover the sun.  I find myself thinking thoughts like:

This was not in my plans.

Why me?

I don’t deserve this.

I feel like God doesn’t even care, He’s just abandoned and forgotten me.

This happens to others, not to me…

Yet, one thing we know for sure is that Jesus is walking with us in the trouble, deep in the clouds, through every storm.  Trust Him with your darkness.

Hope reminds us that our best days are ahead, not behind us. 

Surrender tomorrow to God – He’s already been there.

Caleb Kaltenbach

Choosing Your Hard

Dear Daughters,

According to those who study the brain, the average adult makes around 35,000 conscious choices every day.  From the words we speak to the food we eat, the socks we wear, the number and direction of the steps we take, we’re always making choices.  Some of them seem trivial, others more consequential.  But as the proverbial snowflakes that continue to pile up hour after hour, every choice matters, and the end result is sometimes what we least expect.

You’ve probably heard this quote before, but I think it bears repeating:

Obesity is hard.  Staying fit is hard. 

Choose your hard.

Being in debt is hard.  Being financially disciplined is hard. 

Choose your hard.

Marriage is hard.  Divorce is hard. 

Choose your hard.

Communicating is hard.  Not communicating is hard.

            Choose your hard.

I think everyone who is alive and breathing agrees Life is Hard.  Even though our culture tries to assure us that what we buy, wear or eat will make us happy and life easy, by now most of us have figured out that stuff won’t ever bring joy.   

Life will never be easy. It will always be hard.  Even when we choose options which seem to be easy, they never are.   Taking the easy way isn’t the easy way.

I wonder if the simple choice of expecting hard things would make life more palatable.  Expectations of having an easy and carefree life simply sets us up for disappointment.  But if we see life as climbing a mountain, following our trusted mountaineering guide, knowing He will guide us and walk alongside us, we can expect hard and thrive, experience joy in the hard.  We are never told to navigate life on our own, it’s too much to bear. 

I love those statements above so I’ve decided to add a few other Choose Your Hard words of my own:

Going to work on time is hard.  Being fired is hard.

            Choose your hard.

Working on a team is hard.  Working alone is hard.

            Choose your hard.

Forgiving your enemies is hard.  Taking revenge is hard.

            Choose your hard.

Trusting Jesus is hard.  Trusting yourself is hard.

            Choose your hard.

Complaining is hard.  Being thankful is hard.

            Choose your hard.

Speaking words of kindness is hard.  Speaking words of bitterness is hard.

            Choose your hard.

Trusting people is hard.  Trusting no one is hard.

                Choose your hard.

Saying Yes is hard.  Saying No is hard.

            Choose your hard.

Remember that climbing a mountain metaphor with a trusted mountain guide I mentioned earlier?  It’s the only way I can wake up every day, put my feet on the floor and walk forward.  If I trust in my own judgment, in my own understanding and sight of the limited world I can see around me, I flounder.  This world is simply too complex for my little brain to figure out the best words to say or the wise choices to make.  I need a mountain guide on the sunny days when I think I can see every perspective correctly, I need a guide when it’s foggy and I can’t see a foot ahead of me.  I am unable to do life on my own.  Thankfully Jesus is more than willing to help me, walk beside me, encourage me, forgive me when I confess, lead me in to make the better choice – simply for the asking. 

As Avery Garns has spoken so well:

God is teaching me that I can be both thankful and frustrated, fractured and faithful. Maybe this place of in-between, of both/and, is the place where we find true hope and healing.

 Taking the easy way isn’t an easy way, it’s non-existent.   So choose your hard, choose wisely, trust Jesus and live in expectation of joy in the hard.

Love, Mom

waymaker

Dear Daughters,

Once again, Ann Voskamp has written a book with such honesty, wisdom and vulnerability that I am in awe. In Waymaker, she begins by describing something similar to GPS (Global Positioning System) that all of us use every day of our lives. 

Especially since we moved to Michigan 18 months ago, I have used my Maps app everywhere I went. I needed GPS to get me there, otherwise I would be lost in the haze of all the freeways (called expressways in MI) on ramps, off ramps and winding roads built to navigate around the beautiful Grand River which seems to turn up everywhere I go.

Anyway, Ann has penned what she calls the EPS (Expectational Positioning System).  This is a term she uses when we become disappointed by our place in life.  Maybe we were expecting our life to look different than it does – we expected our marriage, our physical body, our family and even how we would be loved to be different – and we are disappointed. We expected much better, that our children would always agree with our ideas and opinions, that our husbands would understand and love us even when we were rude and crabby…   But as we have all learned, expectations can kill relationships.

When we have expectations for friendships, marriage or business partners, we will inevitably be disappointed.  We are all flawed, selfish, subject to our own weaknesses and hurts, therefore our relationships will suffer when we expect what others cannot give.  We have no idea what our acquaintances, friends or even spouses are struggling with – unnamed but nevertheless real hurts – so how can we not become disappointed? 

In her simplicity, Ann says,

It’s when we expect life to be easy that it becomes hard.

We were never promised life would be easy and carefree.  No one is happy all the time, free of worry or pain; we all have something in our bodies and minds that is suffering – not functioning just right.  But it’s what we do with the suffering when it comes – and sometimes stays longer than we would like. 

Suffering doesn’t mean you are cursed, suffering means you are human.

Ann shares several vulnerable stories from her own life and how her expectations have been shattered numerous times, the disappointment often leading to depression and anxiety.  One of her counselors gave her this nugget of information:

Research has discovered some of the keys of happiness:

We are happiest when we are standing before some natural wonder such as the Grand Canyon.  We are the happiest when we are in a deeply creative zone, what they call the flow.

You’re in the zone of happiness – only when you leave the zone of self.

It’s wildly counterintuitive, and even counter cultural, but true.  It’s only when we believe we are truly loved by Jesus (a supernatural wonder) and fix our eyes on Him that we are able to give ourselves to another in trust.  When we know that our Creator

Celebrates and sings because of you,

And He will refresh your life with His love,

Zephaniah 3:17

when we are confident in His love and care, then we don’t need to expect so much from the people around us.  When we know our value and worth – that we are the beloved of Jesus – we can rest and be secure in whatever comes our way.  Even when people harm us with words – intentionally or not – we can move on and not be crushed because we know our fundamental worth has not been diminished.

 

Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.

I’ve called your name.  You are mine.

When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you

When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.

Isaiah 43:1-2

When we are consumed by thoughts of ourselves – wondering if we are pretty enough, smart enough, or desired enough by others, then we have lost the capacity to give ourselves freely to anyone.  Ann encourages us to look to the Waymaker – our Creator – and rest in His love.

When she is fretting and anxious, her husband Darryl, whispers to her and asks,

What is the worst thing that can happen, Ann?

After decades of walking with Jesus by her side through all the waves of a lifetime, she now knows beyond the shadow of a doubt,

…you can be about bankrupted, shamed, walked out on, labeled, ghosted, slandered, diagnosed, abandoned, cut-off, humiliated, guilty, fired, vilified, charged, destroyed,

ruined, devastated, grieved, wrecked and left for dead in a million ways,

 and this is the ocean floor, this is at its base:

when you are fully known and fully loved, nothing can still scare you.

I am known and begin to know how to say it out loud:

The worst-case scenario is that all the very worst things happen, and I am still loved.

If we choose to live with the EPS – expecting life will be hard – we will have the freedom to love without fear, resting safe and secure in Our Father’s love.

Love, Mom

Choose Your Hard

Dear Daughters,

According to those who study the brain, the average adult makes around 35,000 conscious choices every day.  From the words we speak to the food we eat, the socks we wear, the number and direction of the steps we take, we’re always making choices.  Some of them seem trivial, others more consequential.  But as the proverbial snowflakes that continue to pile up hour after hour, every choice matters, and the end result is sometimes what we least expect.

You may have heard this anonymous quote before, but I think it bears repeating:

Obesity is hard.  Staying fit is hard. 

Choose your hard.

Being in debt is hard.  Being financially disciplined is hard. 

Choose your hard.

Marriage is hard.  Divorce is hard. 

Choose your hard.

Communicating is hard.  Not communicating is hard.

  Choose your hard.

I think everyone who is alive and breathing agrees Life is Hard.  Even though our culture tries to assure us that what we buy, wear or eat will make us happy and our lives easy, by now most of us have figured out that stuff won’t ever bring lasting joy.   

Life will never be easy. It will always be hard.  Even when we choose options which seem to be easy, they never are.   Taking the easy way isn’t the easy way.

I wonder if the simple choice of expecting hard things would make life more palatable.  Expectations of having an easy and carefree life simply sets us up for disappointment.  But if instead we see life as climbing a mountain, following our trusted mountaineering guide, knowing He will guide and walk alongside us, we can expect hard circumstances and thrive, experience joy in the hard.  We are never told to navigate life on our own, it’s too much to bear. 

Because I appreciate the above Choose your Hard statements, I’ve decided to add a few of my own:

Going to work on time is hard.  Being fired is hard.

            Choose your hard.

Working on a team is hard.  Working alone is hard.

            Choose your hard.

Forgiving your enemies is hard.  Taking revenge is hard.

            Choose your hard.

Trusting Jesus is hard.  Trusting yourself is hard.

            Choose your hard.

Complaining is hard.  Being thankful is hard.

            Choose your hard.

Speaking words of kindness is hard.  Speaking words of bitterness is hard.

            Choose your hard.

Trusting people is hard.  Trusting no one is hard.

                Choose your hard.

Saying Yes is hard.  Saying No is hard.

            Choose your hard.

Remember that climbing a mountain metaphor with a trusted mountain guide I mentioned earlier?  It’s the only way I can wake up every day, put my feet on the floor and walk forward with joy and expectancy.  If I trust in my own judgment, in my own understanding of the limited world I can see around me, I flounder.  This world is simply too complex for my little brain to figure out the best words to say or the wise choices to make.  I need a mountain guide on the sunny days when I think I can see every perspective correctly, and I need a guide when it’s foggy and I can’t see a foot ahead of me.  I am unable to do life on my own.  Thankfully Jesus is more than willing to help me, walk beside me, encourage me, forgive me when I confess, lead me to make the better choice – simply for the asking. 

Kari Matthews

As Avery Garns has spoken so well:

God is teaching me that I can be both thankful and frustrated, fractured and faithful.

Maybe this place of in-between, of both/and, is the place where we find true hope and healing.

 Taking the easy way isn’t an easy way, it’s simply a non-existent delusion.   So choose your hard, choose wisely, trust Jesus and live in expectation of joy in the hard.

Love, Mom

It’s So Hard

Dear Daughters,

Joy.  It’s such a wonderful emotion when I have it, but at times it seems to be slippery and elusive in my life.  Just when I think I have joy it slips through my fingers and disappears.  It only takes a word, a phrase, a hurt look in someone’s eyes or a casual observation of people around me.

I’m sure you all know those sunny-side up people who seem to always have a smile on their face and a twinkle in their eyes.  I am not one of those.  I have to deliberately choose joy because it otherwise subtly turns into a vapor and vanishes.

The other day I was talking with a friend and lamenting that it’s so hard to choose joy because of how I feel physically.  For years I have struggled with chronic fatigue – some days are better than others – but it is too often a frustration to me. Then my friend wisely said,

Maybe it’s hard because you keep saying it’s hard.

Those words stopped me in my tracks.  Whaddya mean it’s hard because I say it’s hard?

Turns out that those words I stated as a fact – It’s so hard to choose joy – had taken me captive and were robbing my life of the joy I have been seeking.  It was hard because I said it was hard.

I think I learned this once or twice before, just like I’ve learned, forgotten and re-learned many other important things in my life.  Things like

Be grateful

Live this day as if it were your last

Love others as Jesus loves me

Search for beauty

Forgive those who hurt me

Because I have lots of time on my back, I had plenty of time to look up the song JOY! – performed by the group for King and Country that my above-mentioned JOY friend forwarded to me.  Since then I have probably watched it 10 times, enjoying the lyric video, then the Official Music Video, the behind the scenes video, again and again.  I need to get this message tattooed into my soul.

I am once again learning to say – It’s easy for me to choose joy. Yes, sometimes I almost choke on those words, but I open my mouth and say it anyway.  No matter what I feel like.

It’s easy for me to choose joy.


Being a teacher for decades, I have taught others some excellent ways to live:

Practice makes better -not perfect – but much better.

Joy is a choice.

Joy is God’s perspective on life.

Because my life is in His hands, I can trust him and get my eyes off myself.

There’s nothing wrong with hard

But you know what?  It’s a whole lot easier to teach this stuff than to do it myself.  I’m working on it but it’s definitely a work in progress.

I am so impressed by the Australian brother duo who call themselves for King and Country.  I had heard of them before but had never paid them much attention until this song stepped into my heart and took hold.  Then, as I often do when I learn about a new music group I research them, read their history and get to know them as if they are my friends.  I watched interviews, behind the scenes stuff…

Anyway, Luke and Joel Smallbone are the little brothers of Rebecca St. James, who is also an incredible singer/songwriter.  Those boys are gifted beyond measure.  Their creativity, humor, lyrics and music have propelled them quickly to become my – as well as many others’ – favorite singers.

So, if you haven’t already heard of this group, enjoy and be encouraged.  And above all, choose joy even when life is not happening according to your hopes and dreams.

Love, Mom

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