Branches and Trees

Musings on Marriage

Tag: Love (Page 1 of 2)

Three Little Words

October 27, 2025 / / 0 Comments

Millions of words have been spoken and written about the murder of Charlie Kirk – countless laments, yet some celebrating.  I hesitate to weigh in with so many other voices, but I will offer a few words. 

For several years I have listened to many of Charlie’s Q and A sessions with college students across the nation.  I have found him to be extremely gracious, a good listener who asks provocative questions and an effective answerer of challenging questions.  Whenever Charlie came to a venue he would state “Those who disagree with me come to the front of the line.” 

When I heard of his death, I wept.

Thousands of students showed up to his appearance on campuses, eager to voice their questions.  When Charlie disagreed, he did it with grace, poise and love.  Unfortunately, because he disagreed with many people, he was given the name “hater.”  Since when does disagreement equal hate?

Hate is a strong word.

I have had many disagreements with my husband of 49 years, my daughters, and my parents but I still love them dearly.  I have lifelong friends whom I disagree with, but I would never claim to hate them.  When have you ever found relationships with other people to be 100% agreeable with your own?

Yet it seems that Charlie was either loved or hated.  There was often no middle ground.  Sadly, we live in a knee-jerk society, reacting violently to those who don’t agree with us.  Charlie believed in grace, truth and justice, as taught and embodied by Jesus Christ – and lived his life according to those teachings. 

At the memorial service for Charlie, his wife Erika gave a beautiful, heartbreaking speech – in part,

….My husband, Charlie, wanted to save young men like the man who took his life……  That man, that young man,

I forgive him….

Imbued with eternal weightiness, those three little words spoken that day released seismic pulses through the unseen realms with unstoppable force. Those three little words commanded both angelic applause and demonic squeals as the sound presented to all of creation the magnificent currency that cripples one kingdom and magnifies the other Kingdom. Forgiveness.

Keith Guinta

Erika Kirk is a strong believer in the power of Christ shown through those three little words spoken at Charlie’s memorial service.  I’m quite certain she didn’t feel like forgiving Tyler Robinson 10 days after he killed her husband, but she knew this is what Charlie would have done, and it’s what Jesus has done for millions of people like you and me. 

I commend Erika for her bravery and courage, and I thank her for saying one of the most difficult things in the world after seeing her husband murdered.

May we all seek to walk in forgiveness toward those who hate us, love those who despitefully use us and shine the light of His love wherever we go.

Love & War

September 23, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Have you ever noticed that the story of the Bible begins with a marriage and ends with a marriage?  In their book Love and War, John and Stasi Eldredge point out that the epic story of human history, spanning thousands of years, begins with a couple.  As God unfolds the beautiful, frightening, mysterious story of His love, there is not some lone hero standing against the world, but a man and a woman – a marriage.

Then in the book of Revelation, the last book in the Bible, there appears a white horse and its rider, ready for the great battle of Armegeddon, and the end of the world as we know it. Finally a feast – a wedding feast.  The wedding here is between Jesus Christ and his bride, the Church.

In a sense, marriage is a picture of the Kingdom of God.  It is meant to bring glory to God because,

God is love and where there is love, there is God. (Mother Teresa)

When we love each other in our marriages, forgive when there are offenses (and there will be offenses every day), sacrifice for one another, never give up hope, always persevere in the difficult times of life, we are modeling what the love of God is all about.

The bottom line story of the Bible is Love.  God loves us and He wants us to love one another.  Sounds simple, but as you and I know, it’s not.  Why?  Because this beautiful love story is set in the middle of a dreadful war.

Think of all the fairy tales that you love.  One of my favorites is The Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Anderson, later made into a Disney movie. If you remember the movie, that love story is placed in a war as well.  Ursula, the sea witch, was doing everything she could to keep Ariel and the Prince from marrying, making a mockery of love.  In the end, the Prince and Ariel did marry but not without a battle of heroic proportions.

Think of the famous girls and boys in other adventure stories you have read: Shasta and Aravis in The Horse and His Boy, being driven together by Aslan; Hansel and Gretel holding hands together for safety in the dark woods; Beauty and the Beast learning to love so that they will both be free.  People all over the world love those stories.  Why?  Maybe it’s because we want to live stories like that as well.

The honeymoon of Adam and Eve barely started when the serpent successfully snakes in with a plan to break everyone’s heart.  His deceptive lie separated the humans from God and from each other.  Now there was distrust, blaming, shaming, and betrayal.  Satan’s plan has not changed one bit since then, he comes only to kill, steal and destroy.

But in this, the world’s darkest moment, love shines through.  In spite of chronic unbelief on our part, God pledges to love and pursue you and me.  He does this through the great Prince, son of the King, Jesus Christ.  Christianity is truly the most preeminent love story the world has ever known.

This story is not over, it is still unfolding right now, even as you are reading.  The terrible clash between the Kingdom of God and the kingdom of darkness continues.  At the core of this age old struggle, there is one overarching question that is being raised: Can a kingdom of love prevail?  God vows that Love never fails, (1 Corinthians 13:8) but the world laughs and the devil laughs.  Sometimes we laugh too.  It sounds so naïve.  Love seems so weak when compared to the evil surrounding us.

Your marriage is set in the middle of this story, the age-old beautiful story of God pursuing His people; it is a story of redemption, a story of love.  But that story is opposed, because it is an outrageously brazen story to illustrate His heart of love toward us.

It seems that if we as married couples can’t find a great battle to fight together we’ll start one with each other.  For years I saw my husband as the enemy of our marriage.  He wouldn’t agree with me on how to raise our daughters – on which movies to watch, how to discipline, decisions on spending money….and on and on.  So I fought with him, fighting for my opinion to win, my view to be the right view.  Not surprisingly, this did not improve our marriage.

Then God finally opened my eyes to see the spiritual battle that was going on, a battle that could only be fought effectively with prayer and love.  You know the verse “Love your enemies, pray for those who hurt you…”?  Well, when I finally started doing what this verse says, a ray of hope sprang up in my heart.  I started trusting God to do His work, instead of me trying to change things.  And that is precisely when things started to change.

Oh how I lament the years that I tried to do things in my own power, but God is so gracious.  He patiently waits for each of us to come to the point of giving up on ourselves and giving in to Him.  He never coerces, never pressures, he simply pursues, encouraging us through his Spirit.

We are prone to wander, forget, and go back to old patterns, but for that too God is patient, forgiving and filled with grace, urging us to get up and try again.

God loves you as you are, not as you should be. (Brennan Manning)

Fire and Water

March 29, 2022 / / 3 Comments

Dear Daughters,

We’ve all heard Jesus’ statement, Love your neighbor as yourself.  Many of us are able to do that, depending on who our neighbor is – some cows in the neighboring field or some non-obnoxious people living next door.  But when He says,

Love your enemies,

bless those who curse you,

do good to those who hate you,

and pray for those accusing you falsely, and persecuting you…

this brings human relationships up to a whole other level.  In our world today, love for someone outside our tribe of opinion seems to have become a vanishing species.  It is quite rare to hear about those who actually bless the people who are cursing them, or those who love their enemies.  Turn on any news channel: the political Left blames the Right, the Right blames the Left and never the twain shall meet.  We tend to unite with those who agree with us, and to a certain extent we should.  But there are numerous times when we will be near those with whom we disagree.  Jesus calls us to love those who hate us, not necessarily to become best friends with them, but treat them with dignity simply because they are made in the image of God. 

Tensions were fiery high before Covid hit the scene, but now there are some who are willing to bring division in their own families instead of yielding their position on masks.  There are others who are willing to divide or destroy churches instead of yielding their position on vaccines.  I have many friends who have been vaccinated, and many who haven’t, but God loves the vaxxed and the unvaxxed and so will I.

When Jesus gives us a command such as Love your enemies and bless those who curse you…, He will also provide the circumstances by which we are to learn this important truth.  No one is born loving their enemies, it is a fruit grown from the indwelling of the Spirit.  

It’s easy to be a skeptic but quite difficult to love people. The world is full of cynics, there are many less lovers of people – those who speak kindness and honor instead of shame and judgement.   Have you ever considered that maybe the people God brings into your life are there to refine the rough edges of our personality?   

God uses the elements of fire and water to refine us, in order to transform our weaknesses into strengths, turn our hate and indifference into love.

Just as water can be used for good, it can also cause destruction.  In my younger years I have laughed and played in the calm clear shallows of the Pacific Ocean, and yet I have heard stories of people in that same ocean who have been caught in a deadly, treacherous riptide.  Water has the power to wash our clothes and irrigate our fields or wipe out entire cities with a single tsunami wave.

Sometimes people speak words to us that are like a cool refreshing drink on a hot summer’s day.  Other times the words spoken to us hit with the strength of a hurricane – they degrade and make us feel like we are melting into a puddle on the floor.  The words echo through our minds for years, ricocheting in our head so they appear to become the truth of who we are.

Fire also has its contradictions.  It invites us to come closer when the weather is cold – a fire on the hearth gives us a promise of warmth, but get too close and it will burn.  Controlled fires give comfort but uncontrolled wildfires will consume.  A lit candle can give us light on our way, yet it can burn an entire forest and bring devastation and ashes in its wake.

The same can be felt with words that are warm and gentle, encouraging and uplifting.  But when we spit out words of judgment and harsh criticism we harm and belittle those around us, burning up every ounce of stability that might have existed in their fragile world.

When those burning words come to dice us up, remember we are never alone.  When an avalanche of icy words lands on your ears, remember Your God has redeemed you.

Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have called you by name, you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

And through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;

When you walk through fire you shall not be burned,

And the flame shall not consume you.

Isaiah 43:1-2

Notice that even before the water and fire are mentioned, the Lord says Fear not, for we have already been redeemed and called by name.  Also, you see that the passing through water and fire is not an “if” possibility, but is distinctly a “when” occurrence.  Lisa Bevere says,

As Isaiah penned it here, we know ahead of time that the water and fire courses of life are unavoidable and not necessarily the result of mistakes on our part.

When we go through relationships with difficult people (enemies who sometimes feel like fire and floods) we can remember that Jesus has never asked us to do anything He has not already done.  He will be with you always, and you will not be consumed.  He loved the people who whipped Him, spat on Him and nailed Him to the cross.  Because He lives within us, we too have the power and the choice to love those who malign our reputations or mock our beliefs. 

God will fight for you, you just have to be still.  When others betray or harm you, let Jesus be your shield and speak words of love in return.  Then you will shine like stars in the dark sky.

Love, Mom

Choose Your Frame

October 27, 2021 / / 4 Comments

Dear Daughters,

About 70 years ago Grandpa had a mid-air collision while he was a young pilot living in California.  Because of the G.I. bill he was able to take lessons for free, so had been training for his pilot’s license.  One day Grandpa was flying quite low to the runway when another small plane, flying a little higher than his, turned unexpectedly into Grandpa’s path and cut off his tail in the process.  Grandpa’s plane flipped completely over and landed on its nose, leaving him hanging in his seatbelt.  He loosened his belt, dropped to the ground and walked away unharmed.

There were five different people who saw the accident.  Guess how many different opinions came when they were questioned about what happened?  Yes, five different opinions of the same accident.

It happens all the time, for any situation, statement or news report.  An incident occurs and every person perceives it with their own bias or prior knowledge and experience.  How we frame our circumstances definitely defines the way we live. 

This morning we woke up to a power outage lasting three hours. No warm breakfast or hot tea – a minor inconvenience for us, and it passed quickly.  But I’m sure it was a cause for extreme consternation to others who had things to do and places to go.  I immediately thought of the people in the Dominican Republic and other countries like it.  In the DR people plan on outages every day because different quadrants of the city are allowed so many hours of electricity each day and they simply allow for that fact, grateful when it is working.   

There are many different frames available for everything that happens to us.  We can frame a situation so we become the victim.  We can frame another happening so we are the hero.  Or we can frame a circumstance portraying us as innocent. The framing options never end…

Do you remember Paul, the guy who Jesus appeared to on the road to Damascus?  He regularly had his plans foiled and his journeys often included unexpected encounters and directions.  In fact, during the end of his life he and some friends set out to Rome, eagerly planning to spread the good news to the people there.  Instead, he ended up in prison, being chained night and day to the guards keeping watch over him.  In this situation Craig Groeschel (in Winning the War in Your Mind) describes the choices of how Paul could respond:

#1) Lament the fact of his imprisonment because it wasn’t on his agenda

#2) Rejoice because Paul trusted that God’s plan was better than his

If he had chosen option #1 he could have said:

Now I want you to know, brothers and sisters, that what has happened to me really sucks.  I wanted to spread the good news through preaching to government officials, but that did not happen.  As a result of this hell I’ve been through I have decided prayer doesn’t work, and I am never going back to church again.

But because he trusted that God’s plan was better than his he chose option #2 and said:

I want you to know, brothers and sisters, that everything that has happened to me here has helped to spread the Good News.  For everyone here, including the whole palace guard, knows that I am in chains because of Christ.  And because of my imprisonment, most of the believers here have gained confidence and boldly speak God’s message without fear.  Philippians 1:12-14

In effect, Paul was saying, I had a plan but God had a better plan.  These guards are listening to the gospel and they in turn tell others the good news.  So it’s all good, and I’ll just enjoy.

Paul was the GOAT (greatest of all time) framer of circumstances.  He found joy in every situation, in fact he is the one who wrote,

I have learned to be content in all circumstances…I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Philippians 4:11-13

I think the bottom line in framing our lives is knowing that we have no control over what happens to us, but we do have control over how we will frame it.  If we trust that God loves us and has the best plan for our lives, and the Spirit of God lives within us, we need not worry or fret when hard stuff happens.  Yes, we can mourn and lament but ultimately, we do have the choice to reframe every situation.

Apparently, Grandpa simply framed his accident as a learning experience because a few decades later he built his own plane and took to the sky again.

Choose well and trust God with your life.

Love, Mom

Love & War

June 29, 2021 / / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

            I had never noticed that the Bible begins with a marriage and ends with a marriage.  In their book Love and War, John and Stasi Eldredge point out that the epic story of human history, spanning thousands of years, begins in Genesis with a garden and a couple.  As God unfolds the beautiful, frightening, mysterious story of His love, there is not some lone hero standing against the world, but a man and a woman – a marriage.

 In the book of Revelation, the end of the world as we know it – after a very long battle – there is finally a feast, a wedding feast.  The wedding here is between Jesus Christ and his bride, the church.

            In a sense, marriage is the Kingdom of God.  It is meant to bring glory to God because God is love and where there is love, there is God. (Mother Teresa)  When we love each other in our marriages, forgive when there are offenses (and there will be offenses every day), sacrifice for one another, never give up hope, always persevere in the difficult times of life, we are modeling what the love of God is all about. 

            The bottom line story of the Bible is Love.  God loves us and He wants us to love one another.  Sounds simple, but as we both know, it’s not.  Why?  Because this beautiful love story is placed in the middle of a dreadful war.

            Think of all the fairy tales you love.  One of my favorites is The Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Anderson, later made into a Disney movie.  If you remember, that love story is placed in the midst of a war as well.  Ursula, the sea witch, was doing everything she could to keep Ariel and the Prince from marrying, making a mockery of love.  In the end, the Prince and Ariel did marry but not without a battle of heroic proportions.

            Think of the famous girls and boys in other adventure stories you have read: Shasta and Aravis in The Horse and His Boy, being driven together by Aslan the Lion. Hansel and Gretel holding hands together for safety in the dark woods, Beauty and the Beast learning to love so they can both be free.  People all over the world love those stories.  Why?  Because we want to live stories like that as well. 

            The honeymoon of Adam and Eve barely started when the serpent successfully snaked in with a plan to break everyone’s heart.  His deceptive lie hissed, You can live without God and because that lie was embraced, there was broken fellowship between the humans and God.  It was the beginning of distrust, blaming, shaming, and betrayal.  Satan’s plan has not changed one iota since; he comes only to kill, steal and divide. 

            But in this, the world’s darkest moment, love shone through.  In spite of chronic unbelief on our part, God pledged to love and pursue us.  He did this through the great Prince, Son of the King, Jesus Christ.  Christianity is truly the most preeminent love story the world has ever known.

            This story is not over, it is still unfolding right now, even as you are reading.  The terrible clash between the Kingdom of God and the kingdom of darkness continues.  At the core of this age-old struggle, there is one overarching question that is being raised: Can a kingdom of love prevail?  God vows that Love never fails, (1 Corinthians 13:8) but the world laughs and the devil laughs.  Sometimes we laugh too.  It sounds so naïve.  Love seems so weak when compared to all the evil around us.

            Your marriage is set in the midst of this story, the age-old beautiful story of God pursuing His people; it is a story of redemption, a story of love.  But that story is opposed, because we have an enemy who desires to see our marriages and families divided. His goal is to bring bitterness and strife.

            It seems that if we as married couples can’t find a great battle to fight together we’ll start one with each other.  For years I saw Dad as the enemy of our marriage.  He wouldn’t agree with me on how to raise you girls, on which movies to watch, how to discipline, decisions on spending money….and on and on.  So I fought with him, fighting for my opinion to win, my view to be the right view.  Not surprisingly, this did not improve our marriage. 

            Then God finally opened my eyes to see the spiritual battle that was going on, a battle that could only be fought effectively with prayer and love.  You know the verse, Love your enemies, pray for those who hurt you…?  Well, when I finally started doing what this verse says, a ray of hope sprang up in my heart.  I started trusting God to do His work, instead of me trying to change things.  And that is precisely when things started to change. 

            Oh, how I lament the years that I tried to do things in my own power, but God is so gracious.  He patiently waits for each of us to come to the point of giving up on ourselves and giving in to Him.  He never coerces, never pressures, but simply pursues and encourages us through his Spirit.

            We are prone to wander, forget, and go back to old patterns, but for that too God is patient, forgiving and filled with grace, always urging us to get up and try again. 

God loves you as you are, not as you should be. (Brennan Manning)

Love, Mom

Thanksgiving at the Table

April 9, 2020 / / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

This week I have been meditating on how Jesus spent the last few days of His short life here on earth.  I find it quite astounding that the day before he was brutally murdered, he celebrated the Jewish Passover meal with his 12 disciples. 

In Israel, over 2,000 years ago where the Last Supper was celebrated, people walked most everywhere they traveled.  It was common in those days after coming into someone’s home to have a servant wash the guests’ feet.  The dusty roads in first century Israel made it imperative for feet to be washed before a meal since people usually reclined at a low table and dirty feet would be quite evident.

What was surprising the night of this meal, was that Jesus already knew that his traitor, Judas Iscariot, was just about ready to leave and collect his 30 pieces of silver – a reward for betraying his teacher.  He knew Peter was soon to deny that he even knew Jesus, and the other ten disciples would scatter in fear.  Yet, Jesus knelt down in humility and servanthood, took a towel and stooped before each one of those disciples. He washed their feet, all 24 of them, dried them, then walked back and took his place at the table.

I have heard this story many times, so many in fact that in years past I had skimmed over those facts, not paying much attention to them.  But somehow, this year the whole story simply stuns me.  Why would Jesus, the Creator of the world, stoop down and be so kind and generous to his friends who often argued among themselves who would be the greatest in this new Kingdom? 

And then, even though he knew all of the beating, mocking, whipping and nails that were soon to unveil, he took the loaf of bread in front of him and gave thanks.  Gave thanks??

What was there to give thanks about?

 A group of friends who were going to run away in a few hours? 

Give thanks for the Roman soldiers who would soon flog him? 

Give thanks as he listened to his own people shout for his death?

I was just rereading the story of Aslan’s death in The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe.   CS Lewis portrays the time before the killing of the great Lion:

A great crowd of people were standing all around the Stone Table and though the moon was shining many of them carried torches which burned with evil-looking red flames and black smoke.  But such people!  Ogres with monstrous teeth, and wolves, and bull-headed men; spirits of evil trees and poisonous plants…Cruels and Hags and Incubuses, Wraiths…

Then the Witch gave a wild, fierce laugh.  ‘The fool!  The fool has come.  Bind him fast.’

For many people in that day, and even today, what Jesus did was utterly foolish.  What kind of King would let his people treat him as they did?  A King who loved his people so much he was willing to die in their place.

As Ann Voskamp wisely writes:

God is love – thus He only gets to define love.

And He defines love as cross-shaped, cross-formed, stretched out, formed into a reaching givenness that leaves the heart breathtakingly vulnerable.

True love is willing to open oneself to hurt and heartache – all the while thanking God in spite of all the betrayal, lies and fear showing their ugliness through people in our lives.  We have all hurt others, we have all betrayed friends, we have all told lies to make ourselves look better.

Yet we are all welcomed to come to Jesus, the bridge between God and man. 

If Jesus was able to give thanks on the eve of his death, focusing on the needs of others before his own, surely I can give thanks during this week as we live in a time of pandemic, uncertainty of the future, and lessened contact with those I love. 

Giving thanks, in both times of joy as well as times of anguish, gives voice to the fact of our certainty and belief in the love of our Savior.  Although the world has changed, our Savior has not and is as close as He has always been.

Love, Mom

Jesus Cherishes Women

November 15, 2019 / / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Once I got over the surprising revelation that I can change nobody but myself, I read on to the next chapter of Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas.  Changing me was such a new concept and different to my way of thinking that it took (and still is taking) time and prayer to change that mindset. All these years of thinking I could control and change other people seems so silly now that I know the truth, but for years I believed the lie that it was possible for me to produce results.

        Thomas starts this chapter by saying husbands like to brag about their wives.  They may not say it to you, but they notice your strengths and are eager to tell others about your business acumen, social skills, intelligence, athletic ability, culinary talents – whatever it is you do well.  But far more important than any of these skills is your spiritual core.  What do you really believe about yourself?  Do you know – truly know and believe in the depths of your being – that God loves you? The answer to that question is what will give you strength to be the godly change agent in your marriage.

Kim Baar
Kim Baar

Did you know that the Bible speaks very highly of women?  In Genesis, right from the beginning of time, God created male and female so together we could mirror the image of God.  Either gender alone is unable to adequately represent His character and image.  God didn’t simply tell women to cheer for the men, we are together given the mandate to rule, subdue, and manage this earth, which is a radical statement for any century and any culture in our world.

The next section in the chapter– Jesus, Friend of Women – was fascinating.  In Matthew chapter 1, the genealogy of Jesus includes women:

Rahab the prostitute

Ruth the Moabite

Bathsheba (with whom King David committed adultery)

Mary the mother of Jesus

Thousands of years ago when the Bible was written, it was typically only men who were named in genealogies.  So, the amazing thing is not only did God include women in this genealogy but several of those women had less than stellar backgrounds.

Rahab was obviously a prostitute, King David committed adultery with Bathsheba and had her husband killed, and yet Jesus had the humility to be identified with women in his family tree whose stories were spotted with sin.  I used to think it was crazy to include stories of people who were so flawed in the Bible, but that’s when God does His best work – with those who know they are broken.

        In our culture we are taught it is necessary to tear down men to lift women up, but it is remarkable to realize how often the disciples who surrounded Jesus just didn’t understand Him while the women did.  Wherever He went He affirmed women when others disdained them.  One time, Jesus was having dinner with a religious professional when a prostitute walked in and washed Jesus’ feet with her tears, drying them with her hair.  The religious guy was appalled, but Jesus chided the man and praised the woman because she understood who Jesus was – the Savior of the world.

Another time a woman poured costly perfume over Jesus’ head and the disciples grumbled, saying it was a waste of money, but Jesus said,

Leave her alone, she has done a beautiful thing to me. 

Then again when Jesus was hanging on the cross, only one out of the twelve male disciples came to watch, but many women dared to come and be with Jesus during His last suffering moments.

        Perhaps the most incredible example of all is after He died and rose again. Who were the first to talk to the angels at the grave, and then later meet Jesus face to face?  Women.  The first woman was Mary Magdalene, from whom Jesus had cast out seven demons.  In those days a woman’s testimony could not be heard in courts of law, only men’s testimonies were considered valid, but Jesus chose women to be the first to see him so they could go and tell the men, who didn’t believe them.  Jesus, after he had risen, appeared to those 11 disciples and reproached them for their unbelief and hardness of heart. 

With all this said, Gary Thomas writes about the importance to know and believe that we – every one of us – are valued and dearly loved by God himself.  Then…if we truly believe God deeply loves and respects us, then we can love and respect ourselves.

For my entire life I have sung

Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so…

but I think I never really believed it until recently.  Certainly I knew that God made me and the world and all the people and creation, but I just thought  I had to figure out this love and marriage thing on my own.  Looking back, I never realized how cherished I am to God.  I never really trusted Him in caring for Dad and all of you.  I thought I had to be the one who did all the molding and shaping (controlling).  It is quite freeing to rest in the fact that I am loved by God and my only job is to love and pray for those around me, not try to change them.  I also never realized how radical the Bible is in its treatment of women.  It’s our culture that has it wrong; God sees men and women as equal in value.

I pray that you will grow to know more and more that He cares intimately about every detail of your life, and that He can be trusted ~ even in your marriage.

        I love I Corinthians 7:17-18

  And don’t be wishing you were someplace else.  Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there.  God, not your marital status, defines your life.

Love,

Mom

Learning to Love

June 21, 2019 / / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

What is the most difficult thing in the world for you to do? 

Be patient with your kids?  Always speak kindly to your husband?  Exercise?  Give generously? Eat healthy?  Keep focused and on task?  Stay away from social media?

Last week I read Patricia Raybon’s I Told the Mountain to Move.  The hardest thing in the world for her was praying.  She only learned to pray, really pray, after she turned 50 years old.  Growing up in the colored Christian Methodist Episcopal church all her life, she knew how to shout Hallelujah and Thank you Jesus during the service.  She knew how to smile pretty and shriek and holler when the others did.  She loved all the stories about Jonah and the whale, Daniel in the lion’s den, Elijah and the raven, Jesus feeding the 5,000, but she figured God lived in church and in the Bible and when you got home you were on your own. 

Patricia was a journalism professor at the University of Colorado for years; she is smart, she is witty, but she confesses that she didn’t know how to love because she didn’t know how to pray.  But then some hard, serious stuff happened in her life and it became a necessity to pray.  It is then she learned that praying is simply talking with God, having a running conversation with Him throughout the day.  You just lean back in the moment and talk.  As Ms. Raybon says:

Prayer is like that.

If you know what you are doing, it is like that.

If you know the One you are talking to, it is like that.

If your motives are right, it is like that.

Two good friends, just talking.

Patricia writes candidly about her family.  Her mama, who she didn’t understand and often was misunderstood herself – mothers and daughters are sometimes like that.  Her husband, from whom she had grown apart, become annoyed with and often made snarky comments to – I can identify with that.  Her two daughters who had grown up, moved away and lived unlike their mother had taught them – yeah, it happens. 

There are times she even uses the word hate when it comes to relating to some people in her life and some races who had oppressed her own.

Duty – that’s how Patricia names it – is what she had given to both her immediate and extended family.  She thought it was love, but as she later realized it was barely affection, and to be honest, simply duty.  But when her husband faced a life-threatening surgery – a fistula on his spinal cord causing paralysis – she threw herself into the lap of God.  Her eyes were opened to the self-sufficient life she had been living, and she came boldly to her Lord, asking and opening herself up to his loving and eternal readiness to listen. 




We are allowed to read passages from her prayer journal, complete with hard honest questions, grave accusations and yet immense gratitude. Her entries remind me of King David’s writing in the Psalms – intense emotional laments, strong accusations and yet assurance that God cares, has been faithful in the past and will continue to be in the future. 

Was praying easy for her?  No, it was some of the hardest work she had ever done in her life, but she read, she studied – eager to learn from the pray-ers who have gone before us and left their writings for us to learn.  Sometimes her prayers were wordless groans, because words weren’t enough, they couldn’t express her soul’s longing and anguish.

Patricia explains that in spite of her own travail in praying for her husband who spent weeks in the hospital and months in rehab, she learned to love.  She reached out to others in the crowded waiting rooms, those who were suffering – the mother whose son had swallowed Drano as a way out from his drug addiction, the Fat Family who were loud, obnoxious and rude.  She loved them – I should say God gave her the heart and ability to love them.  On her own she wanted to wallow in her own weariness and despair, but when she reached out to others who were hurting like she was, she found out she could love people, even people who annoyed her.

Amazingly this love she learned through prayer became a way of life for her.  She learned to love her mama, her husband, and many others who she had previously only tolerated.  Her relationships became filled with grace, joy and beauty.  It took time, years actually, yet she has persevered and continues to pray boldly, always keeping her eyes focused on Jesus and the amazing way He has loved her.

We all have To-do lists, things we have to get done – some today, some tomorrow, some whenever. But Patricia started a new list and named it Give-to-God list. How wise and utterly freeing. Now if I can just remember, remember, remember to give my people, and all the details of my life to God. They are not mine to worry about, fret about, or even waste mental real estate thinking about.

So, I have started my Give-to-God list and it will continue to grow…

Many books I have previously read on prayer tend to deal with praying to get stuff and change people (including yourself of course) but Patricia plainly insists,

We don’t pray to get, we pray to love.

Thank you, Patricia.  Because of you I am continually learning to pray, and it is slowly changing me. 

God, help us all to be honest in our helplessness and hopeful in your Love.

Love, Mom

    Let’s Dance

    June 25, 2018 / / 0 Comments

    Dear Daughters,

    I used to dislike people who disagreed with me.  I would get upset when others, especially Dad, had a different opinion than mine.  I’d raise my voice, get a little (OK, maybe more than a little) emotional and sometimes was not a pleasant person.

    Generally speaking, Dad and I have learned to work things out and have simply decided to agree to disagree on many topics.  But it has taken years to get to this point.

    Earlier in our marriage, I perceived disagreement with another to be equated with dislike for the other.  I had not yet learned that people can be friends even if they have differing opinions.

    It saddens me that our culture today has become known for our outrage against folks whose opinions are other than our own.  It seems that news is rarely objective anymore, but more of opinions and feelings than simply stating the facts.  It’s difficult to find people who can talk with others who disagree with them civilly, respectfully and thoughtfully.  As Ravi Zacharias writes:

    How do you reach a generation that listens with its eyes and thinks with its feelings?

    I’m all for expressing emotions – joyful or not so joyful.  But when our lives become completely about emotions, there’s a problem.  Too often I hear people expressing emotions, and those that make the headlines are almost exclusively negative emotions.

    It seems that the trending emotion these days is outrage.  Because it can become so addictive it’s sometimes referred to as Outrage Porn.  People use their words as verbal flamethrowers. Every day we hear about someone blasting, slamming, fuming, shooting down, setting off furor, becoming livid, or simply offending another person or people group.

    You can tune in to Right-leaning news and the world’s problems are all the fault of the Left.  And obviously the Left sees all the sins of the world lying at the feet of the Right.

    Who wins when all the words and emotions fly?  Seemingly those with the biggest guns or the loudest mics.

    For better or worse, communication methods are learned at home, in the family.  If the husband and wife don’t model gracious conversation skills how are children to learn?   So often we hear children parroting their parents or others of influence in the social media.  Sometimes those words are kind, other times they are harsh and belittling.

    I will be the first to admit that I was not a good model for gracious disagreement when you girls were growing up.  If someone didn’t agree with me I often became harsh and judgmental.  I took a me versus them stance, becoming arrogant and annoying.

    Our culture today is a mirror of how many families operate except on a much larger scale.  As those within families take a stance against those who don’t agree with them – mock, scorn and disdain them – so this is happening between ideological camps.

    The author Alan Jacobs calls any people we don’t agree with, the Repugnant Cultural Other (RCO).   An RCO could be you or those who disagree with you, depending on your viewpoint.  For some the RCOs are Christians, for others they are Muslims, the Left, the Right, the refugee community or any other category in which we so quickly assign people.

    Repugnant is an unusual word and I hadn’t heard it for a long time.  Its definition is: revolting, disgusting, repellent, foul, nasty, unacceptable, hostile – you get the idea.

    An interesting observation that Jacobs makes is this:

    People with different ideas are not repugnant monsters. 

    They are persons who, given a slight tweak in circumstances, could be you.

    Have you ever wondered what you would be like if you had been born in Iraq, Haiti, Nigeria or India?  I know that who I am and where I was born was decided by God, and neither you nor I can do anything about it.

    So my question is

    Who gave us the right to judge other human beings as repugnant, worthy of death, not worth our time, the scum of the earth? 

    When we as children of God set ourselves up to label and condemn others we are doomed for disaster.  God says that all human beings are made in the image of God.  In practical terms this means every person is sacred.  Each person has been created by God for a reason and a purpose and He commands us to love them.

    It is interesting that when Jesus walked this earth it was the RCOs who were attracted to him. The lepers, the prostitutes, the people who worked for the Romans, the people who were anti-Roman, the blue-collar workers, and the fearful-to-be-known as friends of Jesus.  Yet at the end of His life He became the Repugnant Cultural Other, repugnant enough to be killed.

    What we so often forget is that Jesus calls us to walk as He walked.  To love as He loves.  In fact, he gave the most shocking command of all time.

    Love your enemies and bless the ones who curse you; do what is beautiful to the one who hates you and pray for those who speak evil about you.

    Our wisdom is seen in how we overlook offenses instead of rising up and lashing out, belittling or condemning those who have disagreed with or offended us.

    Let’s start in our families, in our communities, in our daily interactions with others to listen, to discuss our differences in an arena of peace and acceptance.  Instead of taking up the boxing gloves, let’s exchange ideas as thinking human beings with commonality instead of simply attacking those who don’t agree with us.

    A wise person once said:

    Let’s Dance instead of Let’s Box.

    Love, Mom

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Girls Will Be Girls

    March 20, 2018 / / 2 Comments

    Dear Daughters,

    My friend, Julie, told me a story of when she was just 18 and married less than a year.

    Julie was working in a dentist’s office – the dentist was in his 50’s, rotund and jovial.  Julie herself is quite a jokester, and they bantered back and forth daily as they worked.  One day Mr. Dentist told Julie he was in need of some physical satisfaction because his wife was not interested in him that way anymore.  So, he had what he considered to be a great deal:  If Julie would be willing to help him out in this minor way she would receive a beautiful new car as a gift, signifying his deep appreciation.

    Now that could be quite a tempting deal for a teenager.  Lay down for a while each week with this fun-loving guy and receive a new car.  Sounds like it could be a win-win situation.

    Women have historically been used and abused by men.  They have been considered a commodity to be consumed instead of a human being to be valued and cherished.

    In all the high and low-profile cases we have read surrounding the #metoo (I hear that some are wearying of the reports) women have been coerced to give their bodies to someone who promises a job, a role, a promotion, a new car or a future permanent relationship.  I’m sure the temptations are fierce, the promises sound solid and the decisions difficult.

    But we always need to remember that we have choices,

    a choice to say no

    a choice to say yes

    a choice to leave

    a choice to value our bodies, knowing they are sacred – a gift given to us by God.

    The nakedness of sex is far more than physical.  It involves every area of our life – our emotions, our spirit and our intellect.  The effects of physical interaction with another have long-lasting significance because they affect the deepest part of our persons.

    When a man asks for such favors without a lifetime commitment, it’s obvious he is putting his own desires and agenda above all else.  He’s thinking about himself and the pleasure he seeks.  There is a reason God’s original creation of sex is meant to be within marriage, between a man and a woman for a lifetime.  And – as in all the commands He gives – it’s because he loves us and wants the best for us.  He wants us to avoid heartache, betrayal, regret and guilt.  Instead we are sometimes tempted to think:

    I can’t trust the heart of God, I need to take control myself

    I need to arrange for my own happiness

    I don’t like God’s story for me, I want to rewrite the story my way

    Our society is proficient in beguiling us to believe that now is the most important time.  We are encouraged not to think about the future (think of those tempting credit cards in your wallet) or the past – keeping busy and distracted every moment of every day.

    We are not at all encouraged to consider the outcome of our choices.  A new car certainly sounds exciting and wonderful, but there is a price to pay.  Whenever we give our bodies to others we are forever connected to them in our memories.

    When Julie was offered the new car in exchange for Mr. Dentist’s gratification, she immediately said No.  She had not grown up in an ideal home – her mother had died when Julie was only twelve, and because of that trauma her dad turned to alcohol for comfort, neglecting and abusing the children left behind.  Yet because her mother had taught her right from wrong before she died, Julie knew that what Mr. Dentist asked for was wrong.  She had made a promise to say yes to her husband, which meant saying no to all other men.

    Now I understand sexual assault is in a completely different category from Mr. Dentist’s request, and that some women are not given a choice, but when we are….may we choose wisely.

    Sadly the next young woman, who was hired after Julie left the dentist office, was driving a new car shortly after her employment began.

    There is an old Spanish proverb:

    He who loves one woman has loved them all.

    He who loves many has loved none.

    I pray that we and your daughters will know and always remember that our bodies have intrinsic value which God has bestowed upon us, knowing we are fearfully and wonderfully made – choosing to use our bodies to honor him.

    Love, Mom

     

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